Wholesome for Olson part 2

Maybe I should stop writing about college football.

Well, it's a good thing I'm a Miami Dolphins fan too, right?



Oh god when does basketball seaosn start?

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Wholesome for Olson

As the college football season dawns upon us there have been many interesting Heisman campaigns going around the intertubes. USC fans for example have started a website called Booties for Booty where female USC fans make their father's proud by showing off what god gave them in order to sway the Heisman voters.

Well, being the UCLA fan that I am I have decided to start my own campaign for super QB Ben Olson. Follow me after the jump the awesomeness.

Welcome to Wholesome for Olson. Where we will display wholesome and nice pictures that celebrate the gridiron greatness of Mormon Superman Ben Olson.


See that kitty he loved Ben Olson's 5 TD performance against Stanford.



Aww.



They say there is no such thing as unanswered prayers.

Do you have a picture that's wholesome enough for Ben Olson? Send it to incrediblemrlimpet@gmail.com and we'll post it.

Submited by our own Fatty Arbuckle:

From Mr. Feelings:

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Fun Office Fun!

Let's face it people the average working day is really boring. You sit around in front of your computer all day as your youth slowly slips away. Well, that is until robots are invented that will steal your job and you are forced to live on the streets and eat your hands.

But before it gets to that I thought I would teach you all my one sure fire office prank that lightens up everyone's day.

Okay I call this little office prank the "get to know you," and it's pretty simple. What you do is this: find someone in your office that you don't really know that well like let's just say I don't know oh how about Shirley down in accounting.

So here's what you do: Tell everyone you work with how tight you and Shirley are. You have to do your homework on this one so look her up on myspace and google her. Really get to know her find out the name of her pets, who was her first grade teacher, believe me this will all pay off.

Okay once you have this all down head over to Shirley's desk and start reciting this information to her. While you do this never blink. Once you have everyone's attention in accounting shout "I love you!" and then wet your pants.

Once you pull this prank you will be the talk of the office. People do little extra things for you like make sure you get a piece of cake when it's somebody's birthday to making sure you take all your medication and believe me it's the little things like this that help make office life tolerable.

Oh and lastly Shirley if you're reading this: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

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BREAKING NEWS

We're sorry to ruin your day but former president of the United States Jimmy Carter has passed on. The major news networks are holding on this story so that residents of Georgia have time to cope. We here at The Incredible Mr. Limpet are breaking the story and you should believe us because we have photoshop and a poorly written blog.

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Reader Mail!

As we dust off the cobwebs that have been collecting here at "The Incredible Mr. Limpet" I figure it's time we go to the old mail sack and answer some of the questions that you the reader have approached us with. Think of this a mea culpa for the months we left you hanging over the status of my job problems or the fate of Nacho Friendly during his sex filled romp through Costa Rica. Anyway follow me after the jump for your words.

Okay this first letter comes to us from reader Clyde Fox and he asks:

"Are you about to give up the fight for your bigger orgasm and greater ejaculation? STOP, there's a solution now!!! Achieve the feeling of complete ecstasy while having ball blowing orgasms."

Eww. I don't think I know who you are Clyde but that's really gross. A ball blowing orgasm? Jesus I'll just take my run of the mill ball tickling orgasms thank you very much.

Well, I'm glad we're done with that unplesantenss let's move on to the next letter. Okay this one comes from a reader named ROFECO Procuradoría Federal del Consumidor and he writes:

"Estimado ciudadano le informamos que el Tecnologico de Monterrey y PROFECO tienen como proyecto informale a los ciudadanos de Mexico un servicio que le da a conocer que Gasolineras de nuestro pais son irregulares por lo tanto seria aconsejable que usted tome medidas de su provedor de gsolina mas cercano o tenga en otras opciones algunas que si se ajusten a su precio y cantidad por litro."

Huh? I can see a Mexico in there but the rest of this is just gibberish. Mr. ROFECO Procuradoría Federal del Consumidor if you chose to write back to us would you mind PROOF READING. It's really annoying to read something on the internet and having to guess at what the writer is trying to say. We here at "The Incredible Mr. Limpet" just won't stand for that.

Okay and now on to the last letter. This one comes from a reader named Irish National Lottery and she writes:

"Dear winner,

This mail is to bring to your notice that your email emerged as one of
our winning email address in our just concluded Irish Lottery Board
sweepstakes programme that made you automatically a winner of the sum
of £750,000.00(GBP)

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European
booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in your coupon.
In view of this, your £750,000.00(GBP) will be released to you by
any of our payment offices in Europe.

Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate
the release of your funds as soon as you contact him or her.For
security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information
confidential till your claim is processed and your money remitted to
you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.

This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and
unwarranted abuse of this program. Please be warned!!!
To file for your claim, please contact our Claims Agent and fill the
payment processing form and send it to our claims agent immediately.

Name Of Claims Agent: Mr. Ricky Williams
Email address :irishagent_williams@yahoo.co.uk
Tel:+44-702-408-7086

PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM
1.FULL NAMES:__________________________________
2.ADDRESS:________________________________________
3.SEX:_______________
4.AGE:________
5.MARITAL STATUS:___________________
6.OCCUPATION:________________________
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:_____________________________
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:_____________________
9.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL___________
10.AMOUNT WON:___________________________________
11. COUNTRY________________________________"

Holy Shit! We just won the lottery!!! I'll just send this lovely person all my personal information and wait for the money to come pouring in! I'll see you all in hell! HAHAHAHHA

Anyway that's it for today if you guys have anything to say to us simply write us at incrediblemrlimpet@gmail.com. Bye

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Vegas! Set Phasers to Fun!

This weekend two members of the Limpet family set out on a spur of the moment field trip to America's bacchanalian capital. You know what we're talking about. Vegas, baby. What delightfully grownup and sinful good times awaited us there? Swimming in an ocean of carnal delight, us Limpet boys did what any red blooded man would do. We went to The Official Star Trek Convention at the Las Vegas Hilton (brought to you by the people at Creation Entertainment). That's right, those Limpet boys did the unthinkable again and crashed Vegas's most exclusive party.

I lack the eloquence to sum up the experience, so I'll borrow a quotation to express my thoughts:

"... a dream that became a reality and spread throughout the stars" -- Captain James T. Kirk (Star Trek T.O.S. Episode #69, Whom Gods Destroy)"

Take a moment to wipe that tear from your eye on account of the beauty of Kirk's words. This event was better than Brazilian Carnival, Halloween, Christmas and Take Your Daughter to Work Day all rolled into one.


How awesome was it? Well, one bespectacled nerd fan put it best when he said, "These have been the best three days of my life." Not for a second do I doubt that claim.

Hats Bagelman wishes he was Klingon. He also wishes he had 40 bucks to buy this prop knife.
The wardrobe of choice was a Star Trek uniform top, fanny pack, ill fitting jeans and sandals worn with socks. In other words, for the first time ever, someone from Limpet was over dressed. But what these people lacked in outer beauty, they made up for in sheer enthusiasm. They're the fat girl who refuses to let life get her down, the retarded kid who celebrates his "specialness," the drunk hobo who'll let you punch him in the face for a dollar. Misfits, all, refusing to conform to society's rigid standards of normalcy.

We arrived on the final day of the four day event, but like Vanessa Williams promised, the best was indeed saved for last. That's because both Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner took the stage stealing our hearts in the process.

Spock is only half human, but he's completely in love with Kirk.
Ok, truth be told, Nimoy was a lot of fun (he wore a "#1 Vulcan" T-shirt), but Shatner is a senile bore. Both myself and Hats fell asleep at different points during his old man tyrade.

And since this whole thing took place at the Hilton, we took the chance to go on the Star Trek Experience. The experience begins when you fork over 45 bucks, then walk through the "museum" which is just a really long hallway on the way to two rides that don't justify the price tag. But if you're going to do this sort of thing, you should do it right, dammit. So yeah, no regrets. If you don't believe me, just look at the photos.


Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

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What the hell happened to us?

So if you're here reading this blog, I'm looking at you Micki, Gridiron Goddess, and you perverts out there in China still googling near naked pictures of Natalie Imbruglia, you may be wondering what happened to all the hilarious posts Mr. Feelings put up (and the mediocre ones the rest of us produced) Well, worry no longer friends those questions are about to be answered.

Fatty Arbuckle: Fatty after reading about both the Lizard and Shark Jesus' has been on a spiritual mission seaking out all creatures born of a virgin birth and has spent a large portion of his family fortune buying up these chosen ones and was last spotted on a small row boat in the Dead Sea waiting for his chance to reach the heavens.

Jerk Stupidneck: After the Donald supposedly won his ongoing feud with Rosie O'Donnell, Mr. Stupidneck has lost his way. Without the Donald consistantly in the news spouting off stupid insults Jerk has been locked up in his room eating ice cream, listening to Tony Robbins tapes, and cursing the name Sparkenickle.

10lb Moustache: The Moustache is in Chicago for the Pitchfork festival. He still thinks he's cooler than the rest of us, and he's probably right.

Bling Crosby Jr.: Bling is back behind bars after stalking Shia LaBeouf. Bling will be up for parole in 90 days and unless he shanks a prison guard again it's looking like he'll get out.

Nacho Friendly: Although he is our most prolific poster Nacho has gone all Judas on us and started another blog. Let us completely ignore it for he doesn't even have the decency to link to us. Bastard.

Mr. Feelings: Mr. Feelings has been too busy with "work" and "his girlfriend" to post for us anymore. He was going to have something beautiful about his erotic literature collection but as of press time he was too busy making out.

Hats Bagelman: And as for me dear reader well I no longer live with the roommate and I no longer have my crappy job so I'm really at a loss for topics, but worry not friends something is bound to piss me off soon and I guarantee I'll be back blogging like before (and for that I apologize).

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Hats Bagelman is getting fired! Part 2

As I promised earlier I have come back to keep you abreast with my goal of getting fired. As of today June 1, 2007 I am still employed at my horrible, horrible job. I would like to thank you commentors out there with the great ideas. Micki you get a gold star for creativity but alas there is one problem, no matter how annoying I get my bosses will always be one step ahead of me.





This is one of my bosses. He thinks he's a stand up comic. Watch the video and tell me how in the world can I possibly annoy this man. Oh and feel free to tell him what you think of his material in the comments section.

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Hats Bagelman is getting fired!

Hello everyone in Limpet-Land! I know I've been away for a while and for that I apologize. (Well, if you've read my posts maybe you should be thanking me for being gone so long).

Anyway, I thought I'd start a new running feature and for this one I'm gonna need you're help. I'm trying to get fired from my job.

Why don't I just quit? The answer is simple. Thanks to California law you can't just quit your job and file for unemployment. That privilege is reserved for people lucky enough to be laid off or fired, and thanks to this poor economic environment I can't afford to just quit my job and live a life without income (goddamn Cobb salad addiction).

Okay so here's the deal for the past week I've been at work for a total of four hours. The problem is my fake sickness can't last forever. Today (Wednesday) is the last day I can milk "my cold" for work absences. So this is where I turn to you, the blogosphere, for help. I need more excuses to miss work, or just ideas as to what I can do to drive my employers nuts.

Some of the ideas I've been tossing around include...Taking time off to mourn the death of beloved Evangelist Jerry Falwell...Claiming that one of my Cuban relatives just defected...or admitting to the Zodiac killings and I have to be in San Francisco for questioning.

So if you guys have any ideas please put them in the comments section. I'm serious about this. Also I kinda want to string this out, basically to see how many stupid things I can get away with before they're finally fed up and fire me.

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An Evening of Fine Dining and Baseball (The Recap)

In the history of good ideas the All You Can Eat Pavilion at Dodger's Stadium ranks between John Lennon and Paul McCartney deciding to write songs together and a fat man deciding to wear vertical stripes, basically to sum things up it was amazing.

The whole Limpet family was at Chavez Ravine and six of us had a great time. (Little known fact: Fatty Arbuckle's nickname is "The man who fun hates"). We gorged ourselves till we couldn't take it anymore and then ate some more.

A full tally of our gluttony and pictures! Can be found after the jump.




Do you see all of this food? It was FREE! (Well except the beer, but you get the point)



Limpet readers are very classy!



Sometimes even we can't stand casual nudity.



Lastly, we have to give a special shout out to our favorite reader former US President Bill Clinton.

Okay and now for the food tallies.

HATS BAGELMAN: 3 Hot Dogs, 2 Beers, 2 Nachos, 2 Mini Baby Ruths
FATTY ARBUCKLE: 2 Hot Dogs, 2 Nachos, 1 Bag of Popcorn, 3 Sodas, 3 Mini Baby Ruths
MR. FEELINGS: 2 Hot Dogs, 1 1/2 Nachos, 1 Bag of Peanuts
JERK STUPIDNECK: 2 Hot Dogs, 1 Nachos, 1 Popcorn, 1 Baby Ruth, 2 Sodas
BLING CROSBY JR: 1 Hot Dog, 2 Nachos, 4 Waters, 1 Stolen bag of Peanuts
10LB MOUSTACHE: 4 Hot Dogs, 1 Nachos, 2 Bags of Peanuts, 3 Beers, 2 Mini Baby Ruths
NACHO FRIENDLY: FAILURE: 3 Hot Dogs 2 Beers (seriously I did that without trying)

Without a doubt Nacho was the biggest failure but 10lb Moustache really came through in the clutch. 10lb Moustache you are a true American Hero.

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