Wednesday, March 7, 2007

My Roommate is a Moron

It pains me to insult someone that claims to read this amazing page. Seriously we love you readers (especially the Chinese ones) but the events that have occured this past weekend are just so astounding I can't stay silent anymore.

First a warning this post will contain stories of a frank and disgusting manner. If the idea of a maggot burrowing body parts or failed home surgeries are not your cup of tea I reccomend you just go to the bidet post . It's funny and far less disgusting.

Okay those of you who are staying please follow me after the jump for a Belizian bot fly adventure!

To save time I will just list dates and times as I learn more and more what kind of psychopath I am living with.

Friday 3/2/2007 7:00pm: I get home from work and see the roommate. He's hobbling around so I ask him what's wrong. He corners me in our living room and shows me one of the most disguting bug bites I have ever seen. This is the first time I hear the words Bot Fly. You see my roommate just got back from Belize and he spent a couple nights in the jungle and they have this fly out there that lays eggs in mosquito bites. The roommate is convinced he has a maggot growing in his leg. He's really excited about this, he even named it "Nathaniel"

Saturday 3/3/07 10:00am: I get up to watch the UCLA/Washington game. The roommate is in the living room watching videos of people removing maggots from their body. He tells me his plan to remove Nathaniel and then invites me to film the process. I decline.

Saturday 3/3/07 11:00am: The roommate now tells me that he can feel the maggot moving in his leg, he invites me to feel it. (Oh at this point I should mention he had seen a doctor about this. the doctor gave him some pain killers and told him to see him again if the pain persists but the doctor does not believe there is a maggot in his leg, this infuriates the roommate)The roommate begins calling friends of his to film the maggot extraction.

Saturday 3/3/07 1:00pm-7:00pm: The roommate performs the surgery using a swiss army knife and a pair of tweezers. I am not present. He spends six hours digging in his leg while Incredible Mr. Limpet super-contributer 10lb Moustache films the procedure.

Sunday 3/4/07 11:00am: I wake up after a long night out drinking. I groggily walk to my bathroom where I find this scene:

This is our bathroom trash can. Inside you will see packing tape covered with blood. The roommate used this to try and suffocate Nathaniel

There's the packing tape and swiss army knife.

Here's the video camera and probably my favorite part the magnifying glass maybe the roommate was planning on solving crimes with Nathaniel once he was out.

Anyway I am far too hung over to deal with this. I take a quick shower and get out of that bathroom as fast as possible.

Sunday 3/4/07 12:00PM: I call the roommate to ask about the surgery. Things did not go well. Nathaniel is most likely dead in his leg. The roommate tells me that as soon as his band practice is over he'll be going to the E.R.

Sunday 3/4/07 3:00PM: The roommate calls me. He's been admitted to the hospital. They are running tests on his leg because they aren't sure there is a bot fly at all. The roommate demands the doctors to just cut his damn leg open and take out the maggot.

Monday 3/5/07 4:00PM: The roommate is still in the hospital. He speaks to a specialist that tells him there is most likely a maggot in his leg but there is also a bigger issue: his leg is infected. Apparently the home surgery wasn't exactly sterile and the dead maggot in his leg was beginning to rot. The roommate calls me and asks me to bring his camera to him so he can take pictures of the surgery also he tells me that he wants to keep the maggot.

Tuesday 3/6/07 6:00PM: I bring the roommate his iPod charger (I conviently forgot the camera). He tells me the maggot is out of his leg. The doctor spent a good part of the day squeezing his leg till Nathaniel popped out. The roommate offers to show me his leg. I decline.

Tuesday 3/6/07 8:00PM: Curiosity finally drives me to research bot flies. I go to Wikipedia. Here's what I find:

"Since the fly larvae can only survive the entire eight week development if the wound does not become infected, it is rare for patients to experience infections, unless they kill the larva without removing it completely (below). It is even possible that the fly larva may itself produce antibiotic secretions that help prevent infection while it is feeding"

Oh and this:

"The botfly maggot cannot be removed easily whilst alive due to the strong, hooked spines that run in circular rings around the midsection of its body, though some people have reported success simply by careful application of pressure - but this approach runs a very high risk of killing the larva in situ, leading to infection. One medical treatment is to suffocate the grub by sealing off the air hole found in the surrounding blister. This can be done with petroleum jelly or a similar substance. This forces the grub to expose itself temporarily (to clear the spiracles), making it easier to remove, though it is still risky if the larva does not come completely out of the wound, and therefore not a simple matter to perform without killing the larva and causing infection. Most commonly, people will snap off the tail of the larva, leaving the portion with the hooks still embedded."

I read this and my jaw dropped. How in the hell did he not see this? Why didn't he go to a doctor? Ugh.

Well, he's just been released from the hospital but I have a feeling he hasn't learned his lesson. Fatty Arbuckle summed it up the best: I sent him this little passage from wikipedia:
"They do not kill the host animal, and thus are true parasites (though some species of rodent-infesting botflies do consume the host's testes).
I joked that it's too bad that the roommate didn't get this strain of bot fly and Fatty wrote back "He wouldn't learn anything he'd probably have you take pictures of his empty sack.""


Nacho Friendly said...

Considering that he stayed through band practice, I certainly hope Nathaniel will be eulogized in song. Or did you not think I knew what u-googly was?

Fatty Arbuckle said...

This is just gross.

Casey said...

More, less amusing Botfly stories, including tips your roommate could have used!

Hats Bagelman said...

Thanks Casey but I can live the rest of my life without hearing another bot fly story.

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