Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tainting Purity

From the This Can't Possibly End Well files comes: Nacho Friendly Summer Travelling XXXtravaganza!

First up: Costa Rica. The land of Pura Vida, or "purified living", an institution I plan on crumbling.

In a scant few hours I'll be boarding a Lasca airlines flight, bound for Clarita's Beach Hotel, Sports Bar & Grille. I've never travelled internationally alone before, so this is going to be a grand experiment in social hilarity. I've been boning up on the culture and the main location I'm headed, a beach on the Pacific side of things called Jaco.

After the jump, you can see the contestants in the Miss Clarita's contest, and see some quotes describing the place I'm headed.

the competition is fierce.

Here's what the internet has to say about Jaco:
"Fellas, a word of advice if I may. If you go out in Jaco, dress comfortably, and treat the world as if it were your urinal. And I mean sandals, comfortable shorts, and t-shirts/wifebeaters, whatever. If you get all dressed up, like nice jeans, dress shirt, dress shoes-all you are going to do is sweat your jacobs off, and you aren't going to impress the ladies anyhow. What they really want is your money, and you aren't getting any unless you bring some. They really don't give a damn what you look like. I saw Penthouse & Maxim magazine-looking chicks walking out of the Beatle Bar (and the Blue Marlin and just about any other bar) with guys that could fit right in with any bowling team you've ever seen."

I'm not saying anything, but I won a free t-shirt from Jewel City Bowling in Glendale due to my prowess on the lanes.

Beard? Check. No undies? Check. No itinerary? Check. Situation that sounds precariously close to wanton disaster? Check.

Lets roll.

Nacho Friendly

PS - If I never come back, Hats can have my card collection.

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Sunday, June 10, 2007

An Open Letter to David Chase

Dear David Chase,

Fuck you.

Kind Regards,
Fatty Arbuckle

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Friday, June 8, 2007

A Messiah for Every Phylum

Last week the Associated Press reported that in 2001 a hammerhead shark born in a tank containing only female sharks was had been an immaculate conception. All three female sharks, which inhabit a tank at a Nebraska aquarium, had not been in contact with a male shark for at least three years. When genetic testing was done on the newborn shark it revealed that indeed the shark contained only DNA material from a single female shark, and had no earthly father. Officials at the aquarium were quick to dub the shark the “Elasmobranch Emmanuel,” their proclamation of the fish’s piety was further entrenched when the young shark was apparently struck dead by the stingray Pontius Pilate mere hours after the miraculous birth. When asked to comment on the matter the ray replied only, “I am innocent of the blood of this just fish; see ye to it.”

The birth of a carnivorous Christ is no isolated incident within the animal kingdom. Last Christmas a komodo dragon named Flora gave birth to not one, but to six King of Lizard Kings at a Zoo in England. It is unclear weather all six dragons (all male) will grow up to be a sexumvirate of reptile redeemers; or if a single lizard will be selected as the one true cold blooded Christ through (what one imagines will be) a series of trials of faith, involving firewalking and snake handling. When this very question was posed to Flora she merely beamed back, “to me they are all divine.”

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Friday, June 1, 2007

Hats Bagelman is getting fired! Part 2

As I promised earlier I have come back to keep you abreast with my goal of getting fired. As of today June 1, 2007 I am still employed at my horrible, horrible job. I would like to thank you commentors out there with the great ideas. Micki you get a gold star for creativity but alas there is one problem, no matter how annoying I get my bosses will always be one step ahead of me.

This is one of my bosses. He thinks he's a stand up comic. Watch the video and tell me how in the world can I possibly annoy this man. Oh and feel free to tell him what you think of his material in the comments section.

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