Friday, November 30, 2007

Interest in Self Indulgent Blog Wanes

LOS ANGLES, California (IML) – After only ten months online, the unpopular internet blog The Incredible Mr. Limpet has lost much of its readership, and often posts no new content for weeks at a time.

Counterfeit Jewish man, and self proclaimed Editor in Chief of the Limpet site, Hats Bagelman attributed the drop of over 4,000 visits per month between November and March of this year, to the collapse of the housing market and, “general malaise.” Sources close to the midden website contend that the loss of page hits is actually due to a public lack of interest in unintelligible “comedy” articles riddled with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors.

When reached for comment former readers of the disesteemed blog gave their own interpretations of why the blog is such a failure. Regular commenter on the much abhorred blog known only as Micki observed, “I used to like the blog okay, but why keep checking it when there isn’t a new article but every month?”

Amanda Meadows of Costa Mesa, California said of the slovenly website and indeed this very article, “’Interest Wanes?’ More like ‘Interest Never Garnered.’ And who told you I was a reader?”

When Mr. Bagelman was asked why he did not simply take the webpage down he replied, “Meh. It is just easier to let it sit.” It seems The Incredible Mr. Limpet will continue to waste server space at Google for years to come.

-The Incredible Mr. Limpet is a blog run out of Los Angeles which carries a variety of articles that run the gamut of unintelligible sports reporting, misguided love advice, poorly written short stories, photo comparisons of puppets and celebrities, angry rants, wondering wildlife news, and blatant rip-offs of the Onion.

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Sunday, November 25, 2007

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Moustache is on the Market...

So Basketball season is just around the corner and I have to admit I haven't had a pro team to root for in quite a while. Upon losing my faith in the sport when I was a youngster I haven't really paid attention until last year's playoffs. Now, in order for me to pick a team and follow them until crushing defeat or playoff glory I am calling on you, faithful readers, to tell me to root for your team.

After the jump, a few things about myself.

Over the last few years my love for professional sports has become more intense than it ever was possibly due to the coming to terms that I am incredibly out of shape and will never, in any way, shape or form, be allowed to play on a sports team ever.

I live in the Los Angeles area, but am not totally opposed to rooting for an out of market team. I grew up a Yankee fan (dad is from NY), but in recent years all the heckling and being spit on by Boston douchebags has caused me to realize that I'll take my pain and suffering to Dodger Stadium (not to mention I live right down the street). As far as football goes, we have no team in the area, but I grew up a Bills fan (curses to my father who traded over to the Browns, wtf?). The Bills, obviously, is another team I cry about and pretend there's something in my eye just about every week. I don't have a hockey team. I don't want a hockey team.
Don't send me stuff about your favorite hockey team. Even if they are local, I can't watch them. Get your shit together NHL.

So get to it folks, email me at and find me a home. The months of February and March are ever so lonely without some team to root for in the NBA.

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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

When Will 9/11 Be Funny?

It's been what? 6 years now? I think it's time for us to laugh about a plane crashing into the side of a building killing a massive amount of people...well, at least my mother thinks it's time.

I'm at home over the weekend for a nice relaxing weekend and decide to turn on some of the quality programming over at the Discovery Channel. They have a disaster weekend planned and I'm into that sort of digital construction of tsunami's decimating different coastal cities all over the world. The one I was watching? New York of course.

So my mom comes in to get some quality time with her son and begins watching the program along with me. They show a woman sitting on a bench paying no attention to a giant fucking wave to end all waves coming in from the ocean. I mean this girl is sitting there listening to her AM/FM radio tape player combo she got from Radio Shack because she hasn't had a date in years, hence why she's sitting at a Manhattan ocean front all alone waiting for certain doom.

I make some comment about her blatant disregard for her own life, but my mother's retort is what sent me reeling. "Well, you'd think the people in New York City would be more concerned about airplanes running into their buildings than a big wave."

Wow. I'm reporting this to you because, ladies and gentlemen, 9/11 is officially funny on the west coast. A conservative 54-year-old woman has decided it for us.

We will never forget. And that's a good thing considering the comedic potential that awaits us.

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

How We Fight

I'm not sure about new military tactics being developed, but this is sure to turn some heads at the pentagon and get implemented to keep order in those unruly Iraqi cricket games.

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Thursday, October 4, 2007

$200 Million For What Exactly?

Dear readers I need your help. I just read an article on CNN about a McDonald's employee who was forced to strip by a man impersonating a police officer. Apparently similar incidents had been occurring at other McDonald' restaurants in the area, and management failed to alert this particular McD's, so she is suing for $200 million in damages. That sounds like it would be pretty cut and dry, but it isn't. Please read the article and tell me exactly what happened?

From what I gather the phony police officer was actually just on the phone calling from Florida?

"A Florida man, David Stewart, was acquitted last year on charges of
impersonating an officer, soliciting sodomy and soliciting sexual abuse in the
incident... Donna Jean Summers, the assistant manager, was convicted of unlawful
imprisonment. Her former fiancee, Walter Nix Jr., is serving a 5-year sentence
for sexual abuse and other crimes."
And then for some reason the assistant manager handed the phone to her boyfriend who took over the "investigation?

"Ogborn was 18 and working at a McDonald's in April 2004 when she was forced to
strip after a man called the store, claiming he was investigating a theft. At
one point during the 3½-hour search, the assistant manager's boyfriend was left
to handle the phone call."
Then somehow Ogborn ended up naked and performing sex acts on the boyfriend/Fiance?

"During the trial, jurors watched more than an hour of a security video of
the hoax call. On the video, a nude Ogborn is shown performing sex acts on
herself and Nix."

What? What? WHAT??? Help me friends. I don't understand what took place here. If anyone was in the area, or knows someone who works at CNN and they just left out a big portion of this article, please explain to me.

If I was forced to recap I would say: a guy calls McD's, says he is a cop, the phone is handed the boyfriend Nix, the guy on the phone says he Nix is to strip search Ogborn, then the guy on the phone says Ogborn is to perform sex acts to prove she is no thief. This can't be right. I know this took place in Kentucky but come on.

Please leave explanations in the comments section or email them to me at:


Thanks to reader Micki, this whole thing is alot more clear, and holy god is it aweful! Not sure if How much McDonald's is actually responsible but at least one person who works there and another who doesn't should be in Jail.

The Video explains:

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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Idiots Enjoy Meeting to Talk About Stupid Things

So this well educated citizen on the left here and this pillar of the community to the right...

Have decided to join forces and are talking about how to secede from the United States that just doesn't fit their well crafted ideology.

That's right, in the most important news story since November of 1860, the Middlebury Institute and the League of the South have met to decide how to secede from the union. OK, well it actually isn't that important because some group of hippy dipshits are having a tea party with some old white dudes from the south (Note: The League of the South will be drinking mint juleps or bourbon at this tea party. Tea is for queers and hippy dipshits)

Who is the Middleton Institute you ask? Well they're just about as worthless as you, monkey dick. They're lead by Thomas Naylor, a former professor at Duke University. They don't say what he was a professor of, but for the sake of this article it will be assumed that he was Associate Dean of Agricultural Sciences. His love for weed made him the hit of the student body. All that was in the past however, now, he is so upset at President Bush and everything else that his whining and crying has been unable to change that he wants Vermont to secede. Good thinkin' poindexter.

Who is the League of the south? I'll let this quote do my work for me:

The League of the South says it is not racist, but proudly displays a Confederate Battle Flag on its banner....."They call everybody racists," Sale said. "There are, no doubt, racists in the League of the South, and there are, no doubt, racists everywhere."

OK well that's true enough. I mean racists DO exist so whatever raise the confederate flag and refer to "the darkies" under your breath so as not to shame yourself. "League of the South - Making Sense Since... Wait When Did Dukes of Hazzard Go Off The Air? Yeah Since Then." No seriously that's their motto. Call them and ask them dickwad.

One more good quote and then I'll let you get back to masturbating at your desk and hoping your boss doesn't walk by.

"It doesn't matter if our next president is Condoleeza (Rice) or Hillary (Clinton), it is going to be grim," said Naylor, adding that there are secessionist movements in more than 25 states, including Hawaii, Alaska, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Texas.

Hear that cretins? There are idiots all over America! And roughly 43 of them have it in their fever cooked gray matter that they can get people onboard with their secession plan.

Watch out America, we are this close || to having each home in America becoming its own City-State.

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Monday, September 17, 2007

Wholesome for Olson part 2

Maybe I should stop writing about college football.

Well, it's a good thing I'm a Miami Dolphins fan too, right?

Oh god when does basketball seaosn start?

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Friday, September 14, 2007

Make Your Natural Tendencies Pay

Phase One: Complete

Greg Oden, as you may have heard, will be sitting this one out for the remainder of the 2007-8 season. Which, I guess, makes it a good thing there's only eighty-two games left. But is there more to it than meets the eye?

I've got a sneaking suspicion this is all part of an elaborate plan set in motion by Mr. Oden to abandon his professional sports career and embrace the life he's always wanted: periodontics.

The greatest cinematic dentist in history, after the jump.

Greg Oden's been expressing his deep-seeded desire to rinse and repeat since he's been in the public eye. This whole microfracture surgery business is the perfect cover. Whose gonna question it when he hobbles back at "50%" and never achieves the potential we all forced upon him? Durant's gonna have the more illustrious career anyway, why not embrace the life you love when you're young, it would appear all it takes its a pink unitard thingie?

If Oden wants to fade into obscurity, I'll allow it. We got so many future All-Stars out of this draft, we sent one of the the Bucks. What's it to us if we lose one of 'em? Besides, this gives me the chance to say asinine things like "Oden's the new Darko."

And now, cinema's finest dentist:

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Trick Question

Who do you think would win in a fight: Dane Cook or The Sports Vaganus?

The answer, after the jump:

the rare North American Sports Vaganus

The Answer: Iraq

(We here at Limpet feel that if once-funny writers, and funny-the-first-time comics can unleash their drivel upon us, we can do so right back to them, sans explanation. That's why Iraq is the answer. Bitches.)

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Wholesome for Olson

As the college football season dawns upon us there have been many interesting Heisman campaigns going around the intertubes. USC fans for example have started a website called Booties for Booty where female USC fans make their father's proud by showing off what god gave them in order to sway the Heisman voters.

Well, being the UCLA fan that I am I have decided to start my own campaign for super QB Ben Olson. Follow me after the jump the awesomeness.

Welcome to Wholesome for Olson. Where we will display wholesome and nice pictures that celebrate the gridiron greatness of Mormon Superman Ben Olson.

See that kitty he loved Ben Olson's 5 TD performance against Stanford.


They say there is no such thing as unanswered prayers.

Do you have a picture that's wholesome enough for Ben Olson? Send it to and we'll post it.

Submited by our own Fatty Arbuckle:

From Mr. Feelings:

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Work is Freedom, Sloth is Sin!

Russia is in crisis comrades! The population is in decline! There's only one thing for us to do! Have sex. Lots and lots of sex. Dirty stinky nasty sex. And you know what? Big Brother is here to help you out with that.

More after the jump...

The recent decline in the population in Ulyanovsk region of Russia has spawned a bit of a crisis in the eyes of it's governor, Sergei Morozov. Being the great guy that Sergei is, he's offering every couple the day off today in order for them to go home and do the nasty. But that's not all. If your baby is born on the national day you could receive cars, TVs or a whole smorgasborg of other prizes.

Last year's winners, won an SUV and when reached for comment said, "We could never get so many rubles to purchase car of choice. Now with new baby, we can make profit on black market and keep car. We make very happy couple and look to defend championship next season."

America, sadly, does not yet have a sex day, but rest assured dear viewer. We'll keep you updated on the push for congress to remedy this monstrosity.

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Friday, September 7, 2007

Paging Reality TV

Your kids are dumber than chimpanzees. It's official. Science is even backing this up. What's this mean? It means there's an awesome TV show just waiting to be made.

Seriously, get off your asses, Fox programming execs. NOW! Before NBC's forthcoming Children Vs. Chimps hits the fall schedule.

Artists interpretation below:

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Thursday, September 6, 2007

Jim Henson Company Announces Phil Spector to Play All Parts in The Dark Crystal Two

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Two words: Roger Kabler

This man
inspired a nation to put down their golden hued beer and pick up a bottle of cool and clear Zima. He was the Pied Piper of shitty malt beverages. Make fun of Zima all you want, but in 1994, clear was the wave of the future, and Kabler new it.

It was a very brief future, and who really thought that a clear wine cooler could topple beer as the go to booze of football fans. Seriously, try throwing a Super Bowl party with refrigerator full of Zima. You'll be alone with nothing but crappy ol' Zima to erase the pain of rejection as you cry into your kitschy bowler hat and wipe snot on the sleeves of your over sized suit.

So maybe Kabler and Zima haven't haunted your memories as much as mine. I'll be the first to admit, Mr. Feeling's brain is a dusty attic full of random memories. Misty, water-colour, memories of the way we were.

That's because I watched way too much TV when I was a kid. Enough to recognize Kabler first for his sitcom work and second for his Zima schilling. Seriously, researching this guy has been absolutely cathartic. I couldn't remember what show he was on, but I knew he played the wacky white guy at a black radio station. Also the promos had a dude with a flamethrower torching a TV because that's how hot the programming on NBC was.

How hot was/is Kabler? I'll let youtube do the talking.

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Simply the Best: King of the Hill

I'm proud to introduce the newest segment to The Incredible Mr. Limpet: Simply the Best

Simply the Best is where we at Mr. Limpet rank things. Bask in our hilarity and/or witticisms.

Today's Topic: Characters from "King of the Hill"

You know what I was doing ten years ago? I was watching "Real Sex 5" on HBO and Amistad. Also, on Sunday nights, I would occassionally watch that show that came on before the Simpsons. The one made by the guy who did Beavis & Butthead.

Gotta be honest with you, before this summer, you could count the number of "King of the Hill" episodes I'd watched on your fingers. Then, during the first week of my my foray into hedonism I caught a 10th Year Anniversary marathon of "King of the Hill" on FX. That afternoon I learned what I'd been missing. Since then, I've cultivated quite an extensive amount of data on the characters of "King of the Hill".

After the jump, you'll find the coolest/most debatable list seen yet on this site.

Or, you won't read this because you don't care about a cartoon show you've never seen.

From least Wikid Awsum to most Wikid Awsum:

5. Peggy Hill - If you were to make a list of the most hate-inspiring cartoon characters of all-time, Peggy Hill, would easily top said list. Let me be clear: I do not hate Peggy Hill, she's just the embodiment of everything I hate about the Fly Over states. The reason she makes the list is because I've never actively despised a cartoon character's sense of self-esteem, and that takes guts. I'd admire the dander in me she rises (and that's just fun grammar.)The woman was afraid to take an IQ test because she was afraid it would result in a score lower than what she'd assumed it to be.

4. Bobby Hill - When I found out the voice of Bobby was a chick I fairly crapped myself. This woman's got amazing talent, and Bobby's got some of the bestest lines ever written. I can't think of a better Poster Boy for all the urban longing white kids feel. Bobby Hill is good for one genuine, belly laugh an episode.

3. Boomhauer - He got a lot of the press when the show debut because he most resembled the characters from "Beavis & Butthead" but he's so much more. I don't think I could name another character whose been given as much depth without uttering a single, understandable syllable. Unless, of course, you count Mumbles.

2. William Fontaine de la Tour "Bill" Dauterive - Hats will tell you he's the best, and I gotta admit, it's neck-and-neck. Bill's the saddest cartoon character ever, even sadder than Droopy. Bill's one-offs are the stuff dreams are made of. He's pathetic, he's worthless, he's the best damn barber our Armed Forces have ever produced.

1. Dale Gribble - That's right, the King doesn't even crack the Top Five. One might ask one's self: What was the deciding factor in making Dale somewhat better/more wikid awsum than Bill? Let me give you a glimpse into the sick, twisted mind of Dale:

A) he has owned Show Turtles for three years, but never put 'em in a show.

2) He goes by the name "Rusty Shackleford" and his Social Security number is 555-55-

C) For his last meal on Death Row, Dale wants "the world's rarest truffle, then, while they were searching for it, I'd tunnel my way out of prison. Although, I would miss out on eating the world's rarest truffle. Quite the quandry." That's fucking genius.

"What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?"

There it is, the Top Five Characters on "King of the Hill." I apologize but during the summer, it's been the show I DVR urrday. Every episode ends in either a heartfelt or hilarious way, and I feel it's underappreciated.

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Friday, August 31, 2007

Fun Office Fun!

Let's face it people the average working day is really boring. You sit around in front of your computer all day as your youth slowly slips away. Well, that is until robots are invented that will steal your job and you are forced to live on the streets and eat your hands.

But before it gets to that I thought I would teach you all my one sure fire office prank that lightens up everyone's day.

Okay I call this little office prank the "get to know you," and it's pretty simple. What you do is this: find someone in your office that you don't really know that well like let's just say I don't know oh how about Shirley down in accounting.

So here's what you do: Tell everyone you work with how tight you and Shirley are. You have to do your homework on this one so look her up on myspace and google her. Really get to know her find out the name of her pets, who was her first grade teacher, believe me this will all pay off.

Okay once you have this all down head over to Shirley's desk and start reciting this information to her. While you do this never blink. Once you have everyone's attention in accounting shout "I love you!" and then wet your pants.

Once you pull this prank you will be the talk of the office. People do little extra things for you like make sure you get a piece of cake when it's somebody's birthday to making sure you take all your medication and believe me it's the little things like this that help make office life tolerable.

Oh and lastly Shirley if you're reading this: I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

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Dear Mr. Feelings...

There is no such thing as a stupid question.

That's Mr. Feelings Feelings Law #23. See, every now and again someone out there is grappling with an issue most of us have never thought to ask. Those people turn to Mr. Feelings for help. I've learned to nurture these souls through tough times and help them along the path to wisdom. I say that so you don't get the giggles when you read my next letter.

Dear Mr. Feeling,

How can I get my wife to take it in the butt?

Corn-hole-less in Kentucky

Don't laugh, this is serious.

Dear Corn-hole-less in Kentucky,

Ok, we can talk about this like adults. After all, I did say I was ready to talk about anything. And obviously, Corn-hole-less in Kentucky, you really want to have anal relations with your wife but haven't been able to, so... where to start.

I give up. I can't do this. This is just icky. You do know what comes out of butts don't you? Poo-Poo! Hello! It's a butt. You want to put your thingy-majigger in there! Yuck! I mean, she goes to the bathroom with that thing. What kind of sexual deviant are you! Go to church and discuss this with the local pastor. Kentucky, right? There's got to be a good Baptist preacher who can pray this sin out you.

I mean this is just my two cents, so take it or leave it. I don't know... if you still absolutely, positively have to go through with this, well, there's no way I can see your wife consenting, so wait until she's fallen asleep then try not to wake her. Maybe tie her down and tell it's just a dream and be quick. Then never tell anyone. Bury this butt lust deep down in your heart. This is the kind of crap that can keep a man out of the military.

Whatever, it's not my problem.

No more letters about this.

Mr. Feelings

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Remembering an icon

Princess Diana. Where would this world be were it not touched by your Princess of Wales rich girl hands? If not for you, some other British broad would have had to marry that snaggle toothed inbred English hillbilly and then divorce him and then die in a high speed chase by those evil paparazzi.

All you weasel-dicked shit-for-brains that see some bullshit story like this and take the time to read it should be cleansed from the population. Princess Dianna (Di, Dee Dee... whatever you idiots like to call her so you can pop some oxycontin and pretend you live in Buckingham Palace hobnobbing with royalty instead of in your shitcan house/trailer with a herd of children running around just waiting for their first trip to a county institution) put a hose up her ass and cleansed her bowels just the same as you or I. More sense smacked into you idiots after the jump (that means click the pretty blue link you fucking trash)

24 hour news channels. How awesome are they? Shut the fuck up, I'll get back to that royal corpse in a minute, I'm trying to make a point you mouth breathing mongoloid.

Where was I...
Ah yes. 24 hour news.

CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, and even 24 hour sports like ESPN are the reason some chick who married a rich guy is still a story 10 years after her death. Now if I'm going to prison, I would rather it be a Teen Sex Prison as opposed to any other type of prison, but other than informing me of such an opportunity CNN is mostly a waste of time.

"Stupidneck," you ask, "What does this have to do with my lord and saviour Princess Diana? I am but a humble dick-for-brains who also has the ability to vote for policies I can't comprehend."

Well I'm not going to argue with you on that last point, but the point is that the need to fill ANYTHING with 24 hours of entertainment/news/programming results in the following:


2)Conjuring up news when there is no news ("What item found in most households could give you syphilis? The startling truth from a suspect study that one of our interns found on WikiPedia coming up after these messages!")

3)Rehashing bullshit stories like Princess Diana so that Elton John can hear his worthless music being played somewhere relevant again.

Play me a song you're the sellout-man

Seriously... a song iconifying a vapid actress who sucked her way to a career (and a president's pants) and then died, had a few words changed and then was rereleased to line the wallet of some washed up piano player who thinks he can still rock. Note to Elton: Go away you fat queen. Your music blew, blows and will continue to blow in ages to come and I could care less about your catty comments on society because you don't even know what life is like without a Scrooge McDuck style moneybin. Fuck you and the shitty single you rode in on.

So that begs the question "What is the rationale for taking up so many broadcast minutes with this story if it's so worthless, Mr. Neck?" Ah! Well you see this lady had so much scratch from marrying a fucking prince, that she was able to do nothing most days, but then on occasion, she could travel to a different nation, tell them land mines were bad and then return to the French Riviera where she got double teamed for up to 10 hours at a time by some smelly French guys to the tune of "Always Something There to Remind Me".

Seriously... That's her contribution? She set up some charities and "raised awareness" that land mines near children were a problem? What the fuck is wrong with you people. What a divisive issue she set her sights on! I used to think land mines were A-OK and I actually had a few around my property and in the playground down the street, but now some privileged bird has shown me the light! No more land mine cereal parties for the neighborhood kids. It's simply too dangerous.

William and Harry, enjoy remembering your mother's death. I'm sure it's great to have it brought up every year. But when all looks dark, and you feel naked and alone, just put on your Naked Eyes LP, like I do, and crank "Always Something There to Remind me" and you will never forget your dearly departed mother.

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

What is Wrong with You People

Mr. Feelings is feeling protective. All you upper middle class homeowners who think rap music and illegal immigrants are the end of civilization need a wakeup call. The perfect world you love is being brought down from within by a perverse love of do-it-yourself home improvement. I'm talking about nail guns. For the love of Christmas, just don't use them.

Why not?

Is that good enough reason? If you still feel you need to get all John Rambo when building a spice rack, remember this:

Tip #4: Watch Out Where You're Pointing
Never aim the business end at any hand or any body part. Even from the other side of a workpiece, nails may go through and hit you.

See, that's what the guy in the X-Ray forgot.

I hope some of this got through to you.

Oh yeah, more pictures:

And finally...

I do this because I love you. Need to hear it again? I love you.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Area Man Loses $314 Million Lottery

Tempe Arizona (IML)- Local resident Jeff Kleinburger was devastated Saturday night upon learning he did not win the 314 million dollar multi-state Powerball jackpot. “I just knew I was going to win! And then when numbers all rolled into place, I couldn’t believe my eyes. How could this happen?” Mr. Kleinburger said he had purchased a ticket for the earlier Wednesday drawing as well but never expected to win it, “I had no special feeling about Wednesday’s lotto, but when no one won I just felt it! That three-hundred million was mine for sure.” Kleinburger spent the three day lead up to the drawing making plans to spend his forthcoming millions. Dreams such as moving to a mansion in Scottsdale, taking all his friends on a private jet to Vegas for the weekend, and commissioning a large robot rottwiler to guard all of his “new rich-guy shit,” will have to remain unrealized.

Madeline Kleinburger, mother to the 22 year-old loser, was wontedly disappointed in her son’s most recent failing, “After Jeff quit architecture school two years ago, he took a job at the Apple Store down on Camelback (Road), and not much he has done since has surprised me. But this lotto thing, -it really had him going. Maybe now he will take that job with his uncle at the ostrich farm outside Chandler.”

Coworkers at the Biltmore Fashion Park were promised they too would benefit from Kleinburger’s surefire windfall. Since Thursday Kleinburger has spent both his fifteen and thirty minutes a day in the break room listing the lavish gifts and wads of cash he would spread among his fellow coworkers. According to Apple Store sales associate Ray Cupboard, “Jeff said he would give everyone below manager $50K after he won, so we could all quit and screw this dump.”

Clair Bellwood, the cute hostess at the Cheesecake Factory next door, said Jeff made promises to her which now can never be kept, “He told me that if I went out with him on Friday he would get me that Marc Jacobs bag I have had my eye on. I thought he was an investment in my future, now I think he was just another unsatisfying trip around third base with an ASU drop out.”

Jeff plans to continue working at the Apple Store until the Monopoly game at McDonald’s starts up again. “I eat a lot of Double-Quarterpounders, so this year I just know I am going to drive off in that new Viper Convertible, (with) a Nintendo Wii, and 100,000 American Dollars.”

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Suze Orman, Subprime Whore

Mr. Feelings feels outrage. Outrage at the subprime mortgage implosion. Outrage that our elected officials and their laissez-faire greed allowed this economic apocalypse to come to fruition. But most importantly, I'm outraged at the one person who could have made a difference, but instead of intervening, she played her metaphoric fiddle while Rome burned.

The following is an open letter to my onetime lover and full time bitch, Suze Orman.

Dear Suze,

I haven't heard from you in a while. Six months to be exact. You know... the night I made you a woman and you told me you loved me and that in the morning you'd go with me to look for an antique fauteuil to go with my collection, but then you left while I was asleep and never called me again. You remember that? Yeah, didn't think you would.

Well, anyway, that's not the reason I'm writing. I'm writing because I'm knee deep in debt, and it's all your fault. Remember how during that magical night we spent exploring each other's bodies, I'd asked you for advice on my variable rate home loan, and you said that I shouldn't rush to refinance and lock in a fixed rate because the fed would probably slash interest real soon? Or did you forget that along with the rest of the passion and ecstasy?

In case you forgot, I'm gonna make like Alanis because I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. That's right, Suze. You, you, you oughta know. You oughta know how Mr. Feelings is about to be kicked out of his condo because he can no longer afford to make payments. I tried finding another roommate to cover expenses, but the building co-op nixed the idea of cramming a third person in a two bedroom. I'm totally cool with sharing my room, but they say it would lower the value of their units. Elitists jerks.

Suze, I gave you something special. I was there for you in a time of need. I know you felt the connection, and that scared you, but don't hide from me any longer. I need you. I really need you. Just help me consolidate some of this debt. In exchange, I'm willing to sleep with you one more time. I've got massage oils and some candles and shit. It's gonna be good. My roommate is working nights, so he doesn't get back until, like, four in the morning. That's a lot of love making.

Think about it.

Mr. Feelings

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