Friday, March 30, 2007

The Best of Wikipedia

With fifteen of his best sailors stuck in the confines of an Iranian prison cell, one thought crossed Tony Blair's mind. We need a good ol' fashioned soldier of fortune to handle this shit. Which brings us to this week's best of Wikipedia: Soldier of Fortune.

Full frontal knowledge after the jump.

Call them what you will, privateers, mercenaries, heroes, but just remember, the soldier of fortune is the bravest man this nation has to offer outside of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, FBI, Secret Service, policemen, firemen, EMT's, public school teachers, lifeguards, sheriffs, and the members of the local neighborhood watch. These men dare to fight wars for something greater than national pride or a sense of duty. They fight for cold hard cash.

A rag tag bunch of misfits, one publication has united these men in their quest for immortality, Soldier of Fortune , the magazine. Because these men are too smart, too strong and too goddamned extreme to take shit from a by the numbers pansy-ass general, they turn to Robert K. Brown, the magazine's creator, for their marching orders. Originally created in the 1970's as a recruitment news letter for the Rhodesian War, Brown's magazine has since flourished into a publishing empire on par with Flynt Enterprises, only with much more hard-core robot-on-soldier pornography. However, since the 80's, Brown has been accused of going soft, the turning point being the mag's merger with rival publication, Combatant of Affluence.

Typical dentist reading

Glamorized by Hollywood, there have been two films with the title Soldier of Fortune. The first stars a mustachioed Clark Gable as Hank, a man hired to rescue a photo journalist held prisoner in communist China. While Hank is at it, he also seduces the journalist's wife. Why? Because he's just that smooth. The other Soldier of Fortune was released in the U.S. under the name Laser Mission and stars Brandon Lee. It involves lasers, a mission of some sort, and lots and lots of ass kicking. Watch it if you dare.

This film won three Genie awards in 1990

Last, but not least, is the TV show, Soldier of Fortune, Inc. It lasted only one season, but is considered by many to be the greatest television show to grace the airwaves, followed closely by Babylon 5. The people who think this are sad, lonely, and read Soldier of Fortune magazine. Pray for them.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

An Evening of Fine Dining and Baseball

You are cordially invited to the first ever Incredible Mr. Limpet All You Can Eat Gala of Fun! That's right, Mr. Limpet exits cyber-space and enters meat-space for the first time ever! And you, the reader, can be there in person!

Hot Sex! How do I make this happen?

Easy, get your ass online and buy tickets for the Dodgers vs. Padres game on Saturday, April 14. Be sure to sit in the All You Can Eat Pavilion.

Make the jump for full details.

Did I read this right? All You Can Eat Pavilion?

Yep. That's right. Mr. Limpet will be watching the game from the new ampm sponsored All You Can Eat Pavilion.

What happens in the All You Can Eat Pavilion?

We feast like kings.

But I don't want to look like a pig. Maybe I'll just save a few bucks and sit in the normal seats.

Fine. We really don't need your company anyway. It's an open invitation. Do whatever you want. Pussy.

Alright, I give. I'll be there.

You won't regret this. You'll be there to witness 10lb Mustache and Hats Bagelman battle to the death in the ultimate test of endurance and will. That's right. Competitive eating. Watch America's finest athletes gorge themselves to the brink of explosion. Winner takes all.


Did I mention Nacho Friendly will break out the gyro ball during the seventh inning stretch? Because he will. Also, there will be prizes.

You win. I'm going.

The Incredible Mr. Limpet Family looks forward to your presence.

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What Will Happen to Bruno the Bear?

Rome. Home to the Sistine Chapel, The Vatican, pick pockets and they want one more thing: A bear.

Germany. Host of Octoberfest, wonderfully efficient people, hasn't seen a wild bear in over 170 years and owner of the upper hand. They have the bear so desired by Italy.

Bruno the bear started his long journey from Italy through Austria and on into Germany before being shot down in a Mexican style standoff similar to that at the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Bruno went on a crime spree comparable only to Bonnie and Clyde, eating thirty sheep, four rabbits and some poor little girl's guinea pig. Had he no heart?

Follow Bruno's path of destruction, both while alive and posthumously, after the jump.

Bruno the bear lead a simple life. He ate, he slept, he pooped in various places in the alps, but trouble soon came to Bruno when his mother was killed by an Italian with a fancy moustache. Having turned to a life of crime he soon came to the conclusion that he had to run from these moustachioed Italians to stay alive. "We're a-gonna get that a-bear!" one Italian hunter screamed upon realizing that Bruno had pooped in his front yard and lit it on fire.

The next stop on Bruno's list would be the great country of Austria. He had always heard magnificent stories about their countryside, but what Bruno would soon come across would change his life forever. He couldn't find the meat he usually could in the Italian countryside and when coming across a sheep farm his hunger got the better of his judgement. His thirst for domesticated blood would be unleashed.

The bear's trek continued on into Germany a fatal step he would later regret. You see, Germany had not seen a bear in over 170 years in the wild and Bruno now had the taste for sheep's blood. "This is heaven," Bruno thought to himself while heading over the Austria-Germany border. The Germans were there, with open arms, welcoming their refugee friend from the evil Italy, but things didn't stay so optimistic.

There was some violence in the middle of the night. A Bavarian farmer awoke to a horrible sight, "It gutted [the sheep] and then just ate their hearts and livers," for you see, Bruno was blind to all races German and Italian alike and really just wanted revenge on humans. Germany immediately issued a statement that if hunters were to see Bruno they were to shoot him. Then the animal rights groups deemed the government "hysterical" and fought for the bear's right to live, but there was no turning back for the government...Germany never goes back on their word.

But then the unthinkable happened. Bruno just disappeared. It was later revealed that he found a safe house just southeast of Munich to hide out in, but was later kicked out when he ate a little girl's guinea pig. Upon trying to get back to the Austrian border the standoff went down and Bruno went down.

Now the Italian government is trying to claim ownership to Bruno's body despite the terror inflicted upon the German people. Bruno will be put on display in Bavaria as a constant reminder of how most things Italian are just mean, dirty and will probably try and steal whatever they can from you if they get the chance.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Mustache Royal Rumble

The Final Four's been set and it looks like 10lb's tea leaves were far more accurate in predicting those mustaches that would excel, correctly choosing 3 of the 4 Finalists. I bow with reverence, humbly. (Honestly, should I even feel bad? I mean the guy's name is 10lb Mustache, it's not like I had much of a chance.)

There is one last round, however, and it's a no-holds-barred Royal Rumble style Death Match.

Catch up on our short predictions for who will pull this thing out, metaphorically speaking, after the jump.

Nacho: I heard a radio commercial for this contest on my way in to work today, and that commercial played sound bites from each of the Finalists. Jimmy Oritz, or Oddjob as we've taken to calling him, said that his mustache was "famous" and that kids and adults wanted to "touch it" but if you look at Jimmy's profile pictures, it becomes painfully obvious that he's a flasher, and is in this thing just to be touched. Jim Brees is an idiot and says his mustache would "look good behind the wheel of a new Chevy Silverado." You know what else would? My sack. I'm just sayin'; anything looks good behind the wheel of a new Chevy Silverado.

Now the tough part: "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey's makes up half of the Finalists that use their brain and actually have an angle. She points out that, as a woman, if she saw any of the other 'staches she'd "run away from them." I think this is a brilliant move, because it'll force all the ladies out there to question what they find attractive, and it'll make the dudes wonder if they're gay. (You voted for Ortiz because you secretly want him to give you an odd job, didn't you?) Bravo Maggie, you are the CJ Craig of deflecting attention in Mustache Madness. Lastly is Lance Kirianoff, who told us that his mustache "soars out like an eagle. In essence, it's a symbol for the American way." In these troublesome times fraught with peril and legitimate questioning of our nation's leaders, I applaud Lance for concentrating on the positive side of things, for focusing on all that is good in America. I say it's a toss up between Lance and Scraps, with Scraps pulling ahead in the final hours, and Lance, not unlike Bruce Willis, perishing on the asteroid.

10lb Moustache: Wow. I can't believe we made it this far. I'd love to see all of these moustaches perform a true royal rumble along with the ultimate moustache Hulk Hogan, but mostly I'd just like him to body slam that dumbass Jim Brees.

As far as predictions go, I think an underestimation of Lance or Maggie at this point would be a poor move on any serious contender. Brees is right out. I mean look at him. His picture is in black and white! He shouldn't even be this far.

I think your heavy weight contender is Ortiz, mostly because he probably took his laptop to a family picnic this last weekend and forced everyone to vote for him and if they refused he probably chopped off their head with his hat. Maggie, however, is our dark horse and is a force, I think it's safe to say, no one saw coming.

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Snarled & Jammed: The Three Worst Infrastructures In America

With the arrival of the NCAA Tournament's Final Four, Atlanta's gonna be busier than an indentured servant in high cotton. Folks from the four corners of the country will amass in the home of Cartoon Network and Waffle House to watch man-children duke it out for the title of National Champion.

I've done a few tours in The Jewel of the South and I thought I'd share some thoughts about how it, and other cities, decided that a decent infrastructure isn't as important as a professional sports team.

So fill out your survey, and join us after the jump for Nacho Friendly's Three Worst Infrastructures In America.

My god, you've really got nothing to do, don't you? Jesus, it's a post about bad traffic. It's not even clever. No big revelations here. Lemme save you a lot of time:

#3 - Los Angeles (Don't be so insulted; it's bad, but there's endless lunacy to marvel at whilst stuck in it, so it's not that bad.)

#2 - Atlanta (There is no time of the day that traffic doesn't suck in Atlanta. God help you if you try and get anywhere downtown after 3pm.)

#1 - Houston (Ever been there? This guy has. He fucking designed the inner loop. Do not attempt to drive through Houston unless you are in some sort of psychedelic state where logic doesn't exist. And remember, do whatever the coyote says.)

There we go. Couple witticisms, a few deep links. Goonies reference. Yep, it's a Limpet Post.

Don't forget to vote for "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey in Mustache Madness's Final Four. There's no more match-ups, it's a free for all. 10lb & myself will have details coming forthwith.

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Are You There God? It's Me, The Internet

Watch out world, there's a new advice slut on the block. No I'm not talking about Sally Jesse Raphaƫl, I'm talking about What Should I Say. Think of it as the internet with the wisdom of your favorite senile grandparent. I know I might be giving away trade secrets here, but from time to time, even Mr. Feelings turns to this page for advice.

Some pearls of wisdom after the jump.

Got in a bar fight...what should I say to the judge to get out of trouble?

I can hear your collective tongues clucking, but who among you is perfect? Besides, you might benefit from this man's courage to ask. How else would you know the best course of action is to:

Try to shift the blame saying that it was the other guys fault.

Thank you, bubblegirl76. You just saved this man's life.

Got a stinky rasta man in your life?

My new friend's dreds smell like ammonia and pee. He's a good person, fun to hang out with and girls think he's cute - but the smell makes me ill. I'm pretty sure no one else has the guts to break it to him... Or maybe it's just me who is sensitive to it. WSIS?

I know you thought there was no delicate way to address this issue, but you all thought wrong.

Hey , So what sort of products do you use to maintain your hair like that? You know they have an odd smell?

Holly shit, that's tactful. Double or nothing on the next one.

How can I ask my mom to switch to boxers instead of briefs?

Wow, that guy is a pussy. What advice could possibly help him?

I'm going to assume that your mother still buys your clothes. That's fine. The best thing to do is just ask. Just do it and feel embarassed or whatever but then you'll get what you want and you'll be happy you did it.
-Idon Twana Tellya

Can't argue with that. Let's suckle the wisdom teat one more time before calling it a day.

My girlfriend and I recently were in a threesome. How do I tell her that I wished she was not there and it was only me and Billy?
-face the cougar

Billy Dee Williams, what have thou wrought?

You don't say that, under any circumstance. If you cant get it out of your head, and you have the stomach, call Billy and f*ck his brains out. Whether you should break-up with your gf is a different decision. But keep the piehole shut.

Crisis averted.

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Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Best of Wikipedia

Can music change the world? Mr. Feelings thinks so. That's the focus of this week's The Best of Wikipedia, Roundball Rock.

If you watch the NBA, then there is a John Tesh shaped void in your heart. That's because the rousing score written by Mr. Tesh that accompanied every network telecast between 1990 and 2002, Roundball Rock, was dropped when the National Basketball Association signed broadcast rights over to those figure skating fans at ABC. Tune into a game now, and you'll get bombarded by a piss-tastatic song from The Pussy Cat Dolls.

Read more on Tesh and the NBA after the jump...

But for those brief dozen years, life was sweet. Michael Jordan dominated the game, the US men's basketball team was amazing, and John Tesh's new age music was a sweet siren call to camp out in front of the boob-tube for three hours at a time.

This clip brings back so many wonderfully painful memories

The story behind the song is legendary. John Tesh was cycling through Pau competing in the Tour de France, when, during an endorphin generated hallucination, he saw before him none other than Kareem, The Captain, Abdul-Jabar riding a great white steed. He opened his mouth, and from it flooded forth a light brighter than the a billion suns. A chorus rang out. Tesh originally called this song, The Dirge of the Apocalypse (As Told to Me by Kareem Abdul-Jabar).

An artist interpretation of Tesh's vision

Tesh stopped at a pay phone and sang the tune into his home answering machine. The machine promptly melted under the power of the music, and Tesh was forced to lay the track down once more with the aid of the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Only three orchestra members survived to tell the tale.

Shocked no one wanted to buy his apocalyptic tune, Tesh fiddled with the tempo and the dirge become an upbeat fight song re-titled Roundball Rock. NBC scooped up the anthem for its new baby, the NBA, and the rest is history.

Of course controversy still courts the song wherever it is played. Tesh himself admits he tried to use a pseudonym when shopping the song due to the lyric's graphic descriptions of the end of times. A 2006 performance of the song led to riots between Christians and Muslims throughout the streets of Hamburg, Germany. Even more troubling, the song was performed thousands of miles away in Melbourne, Australia.

Tesh has vowed never to write another song for fear the next single might beckon the earth one step closer to doom. That, and he admits everything else he's written is new age jerk-off crap. But he boasts Roundball Rock still gets him laid. Bravo, Mr. Tesh. Bravo.

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Calvert DeForest: We Hardly Knew Ye

The Incredible Mr. Limpet is about to get real. Real depressing. If you think you can't handle that, I suggest you look at Japanese guys taking nut shots ala Jerk Stupid-what-ever-the-hell-he-calls-himself.

Calvert DeForest, the man we knew as Larry "Bud" Melman died on Wednesday. Yeah, other people are writing about this, but the bloggers at Incredible Mr. Limpet owe it to his memory to add their two cents. There are not enough words in the English language to sum up what this man meant to the Limpet family, but if you are willing, please follow us after the jump as we offer you our small tribute.

(Note: This post is an open thread so check throughout the day as the entire Limpet crew sends Mr. DeForest our warmest regards)

Mr. Feelings:

Larry Bud Melman was a staple of my childhood. Before figuring out how to set the timer on my parents' top loading VCR, I'd stay up late with my brother (yes, Mr. Feelings does have family, and they are all gorgeous thanks to the Nazi-superman genes provided by some fine doctors in Brazil) to watch David Letterman do his then cutting edge shtick. I'd usually fall asleep before the musical guest, but for Larry Bud, I was always wide awake.

Like everything on Letterman's show at the time, you never knew where the joke began or ended. Either Larry was a genuinely strange human being or a brilliant performance artist. He blew my still developing mind like some sort of comedic lysergic acid diethylamide. They say reading expands your horizons; for me late night television did the same thing. Calvert DeForest, you will be missed. Not just for your laughs, but for the hot towels you so tenderly provided to the world.

Nacho Friendly:
When Hats told me about the passing of Bud Melman I was knee-deep in mustaches and couldn't fully comprehend what exactly he was telling me. When I finally took a moment to reflect, it hit me like a big, blunt trauma to the head. While I don't have quite the relationship with Calvert as some other contributors (we never went fishing or anything), I do have fond memories of the old bastard. I can't think of anything particularly special or stand-outish from his Letterman appearances, so I'll simply state that when one's mother really enjoys watching CMT, occassionally you're treated to gems like Vince Gill's 'What The Cowgirls Do':

Hats Bagelman:
I usually don't get rattled when famous people die. I just don't normally feel emotionally attached to people I don't know. So when I found out yesterday that Larry "Bud" Melman passed on I was shocked at how much it affected me. Like Mr. Feelings, I remember staying up to watch the old Letterman show and Larry "Bud" Melman was always one of my favorite characters. Unlike Rupert G. from the Hello Deli or Biff the technical director, you never really knew if Larry was in on the joke. But at the same time he always was gung-ho about whatever Dave made him do, whether it was dressing up like Elvis or like in the defamer clip wearing a bear suit and asking for change to a ten dollar bill. He was always gung-ho.

In the end all I can think about is a little anecdote about Princess Dianna's death. I couldn't care less about her (I mean didn't we win two wars so we wouldn't have to care about British royalty) but I remember Mother Theresa died shortly afterwards and all the news shows ran pictures of her along-side the Princess. Well, in December one of my greatest heroes, James Brown, died and while I was searching the interwebs for pictures of Mr. Melman I found this picture:
(For those of you who can't tell that's Larry with the Godfather)
RIP Calvert.

10lb Mustache:
Um... who?
(Note: 10lb Mustache is too cool for school)

Jerk Stupidneck
Look I wasn't even goin to read this beyond the point where I was disrespected by a sissy-mary wearing a girdle, but for Larry "Bud" Melman I continue.

Bagelman mentioned the bit where he's in a bear suit asking for change, here's the touching video.

Letterman sketches have always seemed unrehearsed and untested. They were funny because a lot of times they went on forever with no pay off and were just awkward, and if there was one thing Calvert DeForest excelled at, it was being awkward. Blurting out lines like he'd been painstakingly memorizing them seconds before walking out on stage, he could make any bit funny simply by staring straight into the camera.

Normally I'm one to belittle and demoralize the shameless, but in this case, he was so good at what he did, I can't help but respect the man. RIP Calvert, good luck on The Big Talk Show in the Sky.

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

America is being kicked square in the nuts

Looking for cutting political diatribes and commentary? Well move it on down the line piss-ant because I ain't your mommy here to help the widdle baby with his itty bitty voting balot. You know what? Just off yourself, I'm already sick of you.

Alright, alright get that .45 out of your mouth dummy. You'll most likely botch it anyways and wind up horribly disfigured stealing money out of my wallet every paycheck. No thanks. Where was I, you got me all off track with your vapid jump to conclusions...

Ah yes! America, nay the WORLD, is full of idiots! How do I know you ask? Well the mighty oracle of YouTube will provide evidence for anyone to see. I'll start at the beginning after the jump.

Admiral Kamimura began the blooper clip phenomenon in 1891 when someone got a picture of him getting a canon ball dropped on his foot during war games

Bloopers. Who doesn't love watching them? My favorite is when the olympic guy got speared with a javelin. Human suffering is funny, lets face it, but the problem is - and I'm placing the blame square on the shoulders of the Japanese - that no longer are bloopers accidental schadenfreude. No, now people are looking for fame by videoing themselves in idiotic situations with the hope of getting a couple laughs from their moron friends.

Why do I blame the Japenese you ask?

They are constantly raising the stupid bar and exporting it to America in an attempt to take us down through psychological warfare (since they are prohibited by law from having any sort of conventional military). Now you're saying "But Stupidneck, what about Johnny Knoxville and Jackass?"

Firstly, shut the hell up, nutsack, grown-ups are talking.

Secondly, it is a well kept secret that Knoxville was trained as a spy in Shibetsu before being shipped in a crate to the US in the mid 1990's to create mayhem by spreading "Blooper Doctrine" through mass media in the states.

Here you can clearly see the Japanese influence on America's idiot children. Their pathetic, impressionable mush brains can't help be adopt the culture pressed upon them. Sure it may look like sped up slow motion moves that couldn't harm anyone except through embarassment, but give these dolts 5 years and they'll be riding dirt bikes into volcanoes to the tune of Rage Against the Machine's "Pocket Full of Shells".

Next item for the jury, S. Sparkenickle and friends in the desert burning the bodies of those they have desecrated. Is that enough? Not for these simpletons.

That's right... put a glass bottle full of gasoline in a fire and see what happens! (If you like shiny boom booms fast forward to about 5 minutes into the video you little mongoloid you!) Darwin never mentioned stupid with his theories on natural selection.

Let's have some fun with trampolines!

High point of the video is that fat ass jumping off a roof and braining himself when he's launched of the trampoline.

What's that? You like fireworks?

So did that guys testes.

But when you're talking about stupid, many people think of one place - The South. I think of everyone but me and The Donald, but the South isn't helping their case by providing video evidence of company sponsored idiocy.

I'm guessing the "Company" is a moonshining bath tub in Uncle Willy's cabin.

But, the retard de la retards, the winner of the who can take the most bricks to the face before the age of 3, goes to Genius McCorky-from-life-goes-on here in this video.

Pretty smart there, chief. Maybe you could play for the Pirates with that swing.

With any luck these cretins should eliminate themselves from the halls of human existance within a few years, but their videos will live on so that I may laugh my worries away.

Just kidding. I don't have any worries because I'm not you.

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Dear Mr. Feelings...

Today's letter comes from a concerned mother in Rhode Island. Let's feel this mother out.

Dear Mr. Feelings,

I'm the proud mother of a nine-year-old girl. They wait far too long to teach children about sex in elementary school, so I thought I'd get a head start. I fear I may have gone too far however, and now find myself the victim of a protracted witch hunt led by Judge Jude Jeremiah S. Jeremiah Jr. and his dogmatic interpretation of child safety laws. You may have read about it.

He says I can't bone my boyfriend in front of my daughter, even if it is for educational purposes. I say let parents do the parenting. Am I alone on this?
Sex at Home Mom

Advice after the jump...

Dear Sex at Home Mom,

I hear you. This is exactly the kind of crap I said would happen when Bush was elected. I've been showing my body off to third graders for years. Same as you, it's always educational (wink), but what used to be a harmless bit of show-and-tell is suddenly a criminal act. Just the other day I visited an elementary school in Calimesa where I was scheduled to lecture, but my guest pass was lost, and before the paper work could get cleared up, the local sheriffs department had me in handcuffs like some common pervert. These days even Slim Goodbody would be branded a pedophile.

Children need to know being naked is being natural. We weren't born with clothes. Free your body, the mind will follow. The sex act falls in the same category. Do it where you want, when you want, and in front of whomever you want.

I'm going to break protocol here, and say we should meet up. Us progressive thinkers need to stick together. Also, bring your boyfriend. I'd love to see your teaching methods. Is it cool if I invite some friends? Mind if I videotape it? I'm trying to start my own curriculum. Also, how do you feel about role-playing (for the curriculum) as a Nazi dominatrix? Think about it. You know where to find me.

Mr. Feelings

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Hats Bagelman Will Make You President

Well, since lovely mildly annoying reader Trudy has taken me to task for not posting as much as I used to it's time to bring back everyone's least favorite running feature: Hats Bagelman will make you president. Today's lucky contestant Mitt Romney.

Follow me after the jump for my advice.

Mitt, Mitt, Mitt you seem to have gotten in a little trouble with the Cubans in Miami. You see it's not really a good idea to go around quoting Fidel Castro to a bunch of people who risked their lives in homemade boats to get away from the man. It's just not smart politics.

So now you think you're in a bind. You know Cubans are a huge part of the Republican base and you're trying to think of a way to get out of this. Well you're lucky cause I think I have the answer to your problem. You should go out and insult every other minority group out there. You see Cubans aren't a forgetful people but if you prove to be a racist idiot they will forgive you.

So next time you speak to the NAACP why not mention that without slavery there wouldn't be so many good athletes. Or if you find yourself speaking to Asian voters be sure to say "Five dollar sucky sucky" then commend them all for being very good at math. You get the idea.

I know this may seem drastic but never forget the importance of the Cuban vote. The last time somone took them for granted it didn't end well.

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Moustache Madness is here!

The time is 11:09, I'm still vomiting green, & Jock Jams Vol. II is on the can mean only one thing: It's Mustache Madness time again!

That's right, those lovely fellas over at Jack FM have started up their yearly March Moustache tournament. And your two guides to everything from handlebars to flava savas, Nacho Friendly and 10lb. Moustache, have the guide to help you navigate your own way victory in your office.

Follow us after the jump to beat that fat bitch Nancy in accounting...

(Note: Click on the picture to get a full view of what the bracket has to offer!)

Sweet Sixteen Matchups:

In the creatively-illiterate "FLAVA SAVA" division:

Nacho: We've got Steve Morales (below, left) going up against Dennis Marsh (below, right). I gotta give this one to Marsh. Morales went for the heartstrings; he claims he grew his 'stache because he saw a photo of his great-grandpa, and "thought it would be cool." C'mon, Steve everyone's great-grandfather had that 'stache. It was the Selleck of the Gilded Age. Dennis Marsh upset the top seed, and he states that he grew his mustache long just to piss off his boss. Besides, Dennis's picture offers a lot more opportunities for lewd captions. Go ahead. I'm sure you can think of a few in the comments section.

Moustache: Marsh did beat out the Reynolds look alike, but though Marsh seems like a fun loving firefighter, I wouldn't underestimate Morales' stache. It had four confirmed kills in Vietnam as an assassin. I mean, why else would anyone be living in Thousand Oaks?

(Ed note: We sincerely apologize to our readers in Thousand Oaks, Moustache was hurt a long time ago by a tainted woman who lived there. The rest of us at Limpet do not feel the same way he does even though she was a pretty big whore)

Nacho: Next we've got Ben de los Reyes (below, left) taking on Jimmy Ortiz (below, right). Ben's comments about his 'stache cover his obvious duel heritage. He describes his mustache in a way I'd like to, were I don one. Ben's the underdog at the 11-seed, but Jimmy's just not giving me any reason to vote for him. Other than being way too personal about his hygeine. I'm going with King Ben.

Moustache: King Ben?!?! Don't get ahead of yourself here Nacho. Jimmy Ortiz would go into a blind rage killing Ben in an instance with his hat. Yes, that was an Odd-Job reference and, no, you can't be him on Goldeneye next time because that little shit was way too hard to see. Look, his last name is Ortiz, he's wearing a suit, he didn't have his girlfriend leave a comment for him on the page. Hands down. Ortiz.

Nacho: I've got Marsh to advance to the Final Four, sending the Monopoly Man into a murderous rampage.

Moustache: I'm calling a fight to the death between Ortiz and Morales. All the families are getting involved. There will be blood before we get to the final four.

In the why-isn't-this-really-offensive "WOMB BROOM" division:

Nacho: Hide the children, it's 1-seeded Paul "Dirty" Sanchez (below, left) going up against 5-seeded Rod "No Nickname Needed" Smallwood (below, right). Dirty's a top seed for a reason: he's got a wikid 'stache, and its fate is inherently tied to his daughters. It can't be easy to be a teenager, with no chance of your dad shaving before you graduate. As for Rod Smallwood, well, he's a liar. No, not about his name; about the founding fathers. I call bullshit. No founding father wore that ridiculous thing. Dirty wins.

Moustache: Oh, please. Rod Smallwood is your man. Paul Sanchez looks like his beard threw up into something that vaguely resembled a moustache. If I wanted to see half-assed moustaches I'd go to Thousand Oaks and visit my ex.

(Ed Note: Refer to above statement concerning Limpet and Thousand Oaks, but really, she was a huge slut.)

Nacho: Rounding out the division are Lance Kirianoff (below, left) & Tom Kamuda (below, right). This one is really a shame for Tom. Normally, he'd be a solid bet, but this time around the fates led to a Upturny-thing vs. Upturny-thing, and if you'll notice, Lance makes specific mention that his 'stache has learned to turn itself out, like Dirk Diggler in a pickup. Tommy is forced to hold his up with his hands, due to what I can only assume is a lack of wax. Also, Lance doesn't look like he's about to sodomize the next thing that moves in his photo. Lance advances.

Moustache: I'm going to have to agree with you here on this one, Nacho. Kirianoff is a shoo in. Kamuda has to hold his out to show that it's not just part of his beard. Kirianoff doesn't even need wax to get his in a prime shape. Kamuda must have faced some severely sad contenders to get this far.

Nacho: I'm taking 3-seeded Kirianoff to the Final Four. Dirty had a good run, but it's not in the cards.

Moustache: Kirianoff is going to the final four. I've said my peace about the other two.

In the bi-curiously-lingual "EL BIGOTES" division:

Nacho: A GIRL?! Here we've got 1-seeded Mark Fields (below, left) going up against "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey (below, right), who has decidedly less Y-chromosones than the rest of the Sweet Sixteen. I'm taking the Scraps. I don't see what's special about Fields's 'stache; seems to have gotten a higher seed than he deserved, like Wisconsin. Scraps points out that she can put her mustache on babies, which can only turn out well. Dempsey takes it.

Moustache: Scraps has got it. She's got heart, tattoos and boobies.

Nacho: In the Cinderella match-up we've got 7-seeded Chirs Farren (below, left)taking on 14-seed Hal "The Colonel" Gant (below, right). I wanted to give this one to Farren because his mustache reminds me of a branding, but in the end, I had to go with Hal's anti-war message. His misguided superiors tried to restrict his mustache's freedom, so he did the only American thing there was to do: he found a loophole. Bravo, The Colonel, bravo.

Moustache: At this point I don't think it matters which of these two wins because they will lose to scraps in the Elite eight anyway. "Crisco" terrifies me, but Gant looks like he's going to try and sell me something I don't really need. I guess I'd rather be tricked into getting a Flowbee than be scared and I could ensure a superior doo for my next trip to Thousand Oaks.

(Ed Note: Once again, we are not in anyway affiliated with Moustache's hatred of Thousand Oaks, but what kind of a bitch breaks up with you over IM? Seriously, get some class.)

Nacho: While I wanna take The Colonel to the championship, I'm going out on a limb and I'm gonna send Scraps to the Big Game.

Moustache: Scraps is going to the four. No doubt about it.

The "Bad News Bears of Moustache Madness" are the Ticklers

The first match up pits Rene Diamante (below, left) against Don Cooper (below, right). While Coop's 'stache stoutly refuses to obey the laws of gravity, I'm going with Diamante, who may or may not be a time traveler from "Deadwood". You grow up with a girl's name, you learn early that you've gotta be tough and nothing says tough like Rene's 'stache.

This is a hard one to call, but I think I'm going to have to go with Cooper's no bullshit attitude. No stories of glory or family. Just 'stache. And he doesn't give a shit that his camera still shows the date.

In the final contest there's Jim "Bushy" Bees (below, left) and Jeff " The Drifter" Hiers (below, right). Both are men of few words, they let their 'staches do their talking. Considering both started at double-digits seeds, I consider this a toss up. I'm going with The Drifter, because he made me remember how much I enjoyed watching Forrest Gump run cross country.

I could care less about these two guys. these moustaches and pictures suck immensely. Bees is wearing a Santa hat so why not.

Advancing to the Final Four, I'm taking Rene due his 'stache versatility in pirate, swashbuckling, and rum running situations.

I'm only hoping that Don Cooper takes his no bullshit attitude all the way to the top.


March/Kirianoff. Scrappy/Rene.

Ortiz/Kirianoff and Scrappy/Cooper.

Make sure to come back to check out who's going to go all the way on April 2nd.

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Back Row Review Show: Stay at Home Edition!!!!

Bling Crosby Jr. is at it again! That's right folks he's found some time in his busy schedule huffing paint to do another review for us.

So please follow us after the jump for Bling's review of Winter Passing.

Hello Friends! 

After a couple of days off, (rehab followed by a quick two-night stay at my local prison), I'm back and ready to shoot from the hip about the new movies hitting theatres! 

Except this time, I decided to write about what I've been watching from my Netflix account. I know what you're saying, "hey buddy, I thought you went to the movies to review them....working from home, that's bullshit."

Well, it's not bullshit. It's called House Arrest, and even under house arrest, a man's gotta pay his bills. He's gotta pay his telephone bills. And he's gotta pay his automobiles too, even though there's this orange type thing on the tire that won't let him drive to the movies. And if it’s not enough, a repo man has been driving by my car at night. And I’m not talking about Martin Sheen; I’m talking the real repo man. None of that Two and a Half men Bullshit; this is life baby! Shit is real in the field.

So, I lit some candles, got comfy, put the wife and the kids and their kids and a few of their kids to bed, and threw in tonight's movie: Winter Passing. 

I know you think Winter Passing is a little too small for a plebian like me, to which I reply Bitch Please. I went to (community) college.....I have a large appreciation for the arts and other artsy things. Although I hadn't heard of this movie, one of my Netflix friends gave it a five star rating! His name is Brooklynkid85, he lives in Brooklyn and claims Brooklyn for life. (He says it's better than where he grew up in Rhode Island). Although last time my Brooklyn friend suggested the movie it was thing called ALI; FEAR BITES THE SOUL. I was like "sweeeeeeet....A new sequel to Ali!" But guess what, there was no Will Smith and there wasn't even English. 

So, on to the movie. This is the funniest film I've seen all year! Director Adam Rapp must have been as fed up with that indie bullshit as I was, so he made like a SCARY MOVIE type spoof of Art Films.

Does it work? 


Here's what happens in the first 20 minutes. 

Our hero, played by ELF's Zooey Deschanel, gets all sad after she doesn't get an audition. 

-She does coke. 

-She has three one-night stands and kicks them out. 

-She does more coke and more sex.

-She tends Bar (because she's a people's person)

-She Slams her hand in a drawer because it's the only way she can feel. 

-Her cat gets sick, so she put him/her in a bag and dumps said bag into the river. 

Pretty funny, right? 

So I rated it five stars and told my friend from Brooklyn how funny it was. But here's where the story gets weird.....he tried to tell me it's not a comedy.

Kill that noise! This shit's funny! 

Here's what he wrote me. 

"You uncivilized animal. How could you think this brutally honest and emotional portrait of apathy in both the zoo that is the post-modern American city and the hell that is the modern arts communities could ever be conceived as a comedy? This is what happens to people who live in the shadow of famous people, pain and other stuff." 

What! How can this be true! Do all tortured rich girls have one night stands and put their hand in drawers! My wife doesn't do that shit, and she's effing tortured. She may cry herself to sleep in her pillow and the curse the day I was born, but she'll get over it. (I stopped paying attention to her a looong time ago...)

As should my Brooklyn friend. Lighten up buddy, this movie is funny.

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French Airplane Manufacturer Unveils Latest Weapon To Al-Qaeda

Airbus’ newest airplane the A380 landed in NY this afternoon after making its first trans-Atlantic flight. The flight was made to illustrate the plane’s sheer magnificence and to woo a world audience of potential terrorist highjackers. Lufthansa's vice president for the Americas, Jens Bischoff dubbed the new craft “die Wonderbombeflug” (wonderful flying bomb), and contended, “a plane of such immense size can do nothing short of revolutionize the terrorist industry as we know it.”

Commenting from a special tent erected for visiting Al-Qaeda dignitaries on the JFK airport tarmac, Abu Mohammed al-Masri said, “81,890 gallons of jet fuel coming at you at 560 mph! Now that my friend will melt some steel girders.”

Al-Masri’s sentiments were shared by the other high profile Jihadists in attendance on Monday. Saif al-Adel was heard to remark, “I may be getting ahead of myself, but imagine if we were able to hijack one of these and hold on to it for a while. We could paint on the belly of the plane in big block letters, ‘Death to America!’ and the infidels on the street would be able to read our message before meeting their end. I know it sounds crazy, but I am just so excited!”

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was not in attendance but did release a statement from parts unknown: “A plane of this size gives us more devastation power than I could have ever dreamed of when I was planning the September 11th attacks just a few years ago. Not only will a bigger plane cause more destruction upon impact, but the added passenger capacity of the planes only heightens the level of carnage we are able to inflict.”

In a recent release to shareholders, Airbus shed some light on its reasoning for taking on an investment as large as the A380:

“With the Taliban in resurgence in Afghanistan, an unwinnable war in Iraq, and the ongoing polarization of the Muslim world against the west; it is clear to us that the terrorist industry is poised for dramatic growth. As the size and influence of terrorist groups such as Al-Qaeda and others grows, so will their need for bigger and more devastating planes in which to unleash the wrath of their holy war. We believe the A380 will fill this need.”

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Maybe The Greatest MySpace Comment. Ever.

A long time ago, in Charlotte, North Carolina, at the PF Chang's in Phillip's Place, I received a fortune inside my cookie that read: Maybe in the next century, you'll live on the moon. First off, you never want to see the word maybe appear anywhere in your fortune. When the fates aren't certain of themselves, what hope do you have? Second, that's just a terrible fucking fortune.

That little rant there has nothing to do with the rest of this post, other than I used the word maybe in the title and I feel that's a suspect word, man. Suspect.

Here's the deal; I'll make it short and sweet. A good friend of mine, lets call her Kari, just flew in for a visit, despite the fact that her brother went out of town. Kari...and her smokin'-hot friend (pictured below).

Smokin'-Hot Friend

These ladies spent Maewyn's Day* at the bar with a gaggle of handsome devils. Yesternight, I left Kari a comment on MySpace, and this evening that comment was superceded by, what I think just may be, The Greatest MySpace Comment. Ever.

See said quote, after the jump.

Oh, and if you're thinking of NOT looking at the quote, I suggest you take a gander below at the Tags used for this post. You smexy reader, you.

"All the girls out there are totally lying when they tell you that size does not matter. Want proof?

I am telling you this because it is the honest truth, look I should know, they say that it is all in the way you use it, not how big it is, well I got news for you all, that is pure lies. I know from personal experience, I will tell you about a secret that Robespierre
[Ed.'s note: name changed to protect some guy named Joey] has made me promise to never ever tell anyone, but since he has not called me in three weeks after standing me up, [Ed's note: totally valid] I am going to break the promise and tell you how he went from having a tiny wang and in 4 months he is now about nine inches and get this, it is still getting bigger. He has been secretly taking grow pills from this site: KAKIM.COM

I found out when I was at his house, three Fridays ago, we were getting ready to go to the mall, so while he was in the shower, I went in his room, sneeked
[sic] under his bed and found a box with pill bottles in it, there was like 9 full bottles and 4 empty ones, all ordered from KAKIM.COM

I was laughing at first but then when he came in the room and caught me looking at them, he freaked out and made me sware
[sic] to not ever tell anyone about them, especially girls from school or work that he has been dating for the past while, now that I think of it, he has been rather busy with all the popular girls around here, when just last year he was the shyest[not sic] when it came to girls.

I just never put two and two together until he explained it all to me, I did see his prick and yes, it is huge, pronostar
[sic, for now°] huge, the thickest and longest one I ever seen... They guarantee that the pills will work on any man, or they give you your money back, living proof that they do work on any guy, seeing is believing. KAKIM.COM
My favorite, proudest part: The SECOND testimonal^ was from a fellow Tarheel! (It should be noted, he was one of the few to actually name a city and state [Raleigh, NC - Thanks, "JC"] rather than opt for the more inconspicuous "USA". That's usin' dem book smarts.)

North Carolina: home of tobacco, barbecue, and grossly-undersized genitalia. It's science.

* Wiki mentions the name Maewyn once. Anti-Pagan bastards.

° We've submitted "pronostar" to the Urban Dictionary.

^ The first testimonial is written by "AngelStar - PornStar". He proclaims that "Men are going to stand up and clap their hands at these penis enlargement capsules." So there's that...Wait..."at" the penis capsules? Do the penis capsules need our applause? Is this like
[terrible pun alert!] Chuck Barris's "The Dong Show"?

Also, did I overuse italics this time out? Well eff you; now you gotta answer to Manutius. Honestly, do you wanna tango with a dude named Manutius? Didn't think so. Punk.

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Friday, March 16, 2007

Some facts about S. "Steve" Sparkenickle, West Bumpgarten, USA

Artist's interpretation of one S. Sparkenickle

You probably remember my post from a few days back where I happened upon S. Sparkenickle hailing from West Bumpgarten, USA. Well Sparkenickle had a few choice words for me after I hit so close to home by calling him the Wild Bill - Wild Bill from Silence of the Lambs, not the famous wild west gunslinger - of the West Bumpgarten horse community.

Anonymous said...

I'm S. Sparkenickle and I live in West Bumpgarten, USA. Maybe you could do a little research. We even have a post office. I own several horses and care for them in a professional manner. You are the sick a--hole.

If I was going to remove anyone's skin to make suit it would be yours. I could proably make two people costumes from your fat ass.

Leave me alone jerk!

March 14, 2007 6:00 PM

Sounds like a paraphrase of "It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again" to me.

Let's delve a little deeper into the twisted and disgusting mind of S. "Steve" Sparkenickle after the jump.

Sparkenickle begins his morning yoga routine around 3pm each day

Probably the creepiest thing about Sparkenickle is that you can google "S. Sparkenickle" you get a bunch of results. No... not articles talking about one, S. Sparkenickle, but rather links to various news story that S. Sparkenickle has decided to throw his idiotic 2 cents into via comments.

Here's a gem from in reference to a story about a mystery man some brittish bird saw on a train and launched a worldwide campaign to find him.
My gaydar is blinking bright on this one.....

- Steve Sparkenickle, West Bumpgarten, USA

I bet that mystery man on the british subway is really burning with rage from this mega burn!

Ok so far I've noticed a proclivity for reading and commenting on UK internet publications. Not sure what to make of that, but I am sure that this man is creepier than your Aunt Judith (that's a whole post in itself. your Aunt Judith is a real creepy bitch).

He had this to say on's Forums in regards to news that Britney Spears shaved her head.

I want to spread cream cheese all over that smooth head with a plastic spoon.

February 17, 2007 9:32 AM
Posted by: Steven Sparkenickle

Perhaps it's more than horses he's been skinning. Using cream cheese as a moisturizer so that when he peels the flesh back he is less likely to tear it and ruin his church clothes. Sick. You make me sick Sparkenickle.

But on top of all this... Sparkenickle is also a hack. Stealing lines from others to use in his internet commentary on his meteoric rise to the top of Nerd Mountain.

The worst mistake he ever made was stealing a bit from Phil Hendrie, who had a nationally syndicated radio show where he would host conversations between himself and one of many characters which he voiced all while infuriating callers from the audiences and provoking them to embarassing themselves 5 nights a week 3 hours a night. A brilliant satirist in my opinion - and you really don't need another one.

The reason I bring him up is because he had one character called Doug Dannger who would always preface every inane and absurd argument he made with "I'm a gay man and a gay journalist..." to somehow lend credibility to whatever Phil was trying to say through the character.

It's funny when Phil does it... but not when some lard lathered, internet recluse from West Bumpgarten takes it out out of context to conquer his nerd peers with internet commenting prowess.
As a gay man and journalist, I find this story very interesting. Since when did the pages need to be protected from those that are supposed to be protecting us? Now we are going to in act new procedures to protect the pages from members of congress. What is going on with this country? As a gay man and journalist, I don’t understand those that chase anyone under 18. The law is very clear and every gay man knows.

Posted by: Steve Sparkenickle | Oct 6, 2006 2:54:01 AM

So on top of all the deviant behavior... you're also lame. Bravo S. Sparkenickle. Bravo.

Seriously Phil Hendrie is pretty awesome. Check him out at

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Grandma's Really Enjoying that Milkshake

In a recent attempt to clear the name of fast food products across the UK and Ireland. McDonald's UK has launched the website Make Up Your Own Mind. On this site you'll find all the questions you've ever wondered about McDonald's answered as candidly as you'd imagine.

Have fun with the McDonald's interactive questions posted by users after the jump...

I immediately went to check on the amount of fecal matter that's found in McDonald's meat and found that it's the first question that comes up when you search for meat. Lucky me. And trust me, they assure me that it's "100% beef, made from whole cuts of forequarter and flank similar to the mince you'd buy in the supermarket."

Further down the questions, however you find much more interesting questions all posed by readers, I remind you. "Why did someone find a chicken head in their food?" poses one reader. But dammit, some just want answers about what their food is. Another consumer, "I have seen with my own eyes the Croatian chicken you have used in the past for your chicken nuggets. The chicken is second rate and it's the carcass that is ground into a paste. Could you not use better quality?" Ok, Mr. Chicken Expert Man, what's so bad about Croatian chickens? I demand to see some credentials!

The real fun comes in when you search for "milkshakes."

Avoiding the questions about lard, people's daughters being allergic to strawberries and if the milkshakes have "chicken hooves" in them you might find a question like this one: "Why did your employees ejaculate into my grandmother's milkshake?"

McDonald's response: "Any rumors and stories about this sort of behaviour have never been found to be true and are regarded as urban myths. If McDonald's receive any allegations about bodily fluids in food these claims are fully investigated." I ask you this McDonald's, if you say they're "urban myths" why are you fully investigating them? Are you calling in those neat CSI guys to handle the job because something tells me you might compromise the crime scene with your dirty cover tricks.

So, take a gander at the new and improved McDonald's PR department. Ask questions and post the answers in the comments. It's time to have some fun messing with McDonald's UK

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The Best of Wikipedia

Wikipedia Falsely Reports Sinbad's Death

Wikipedia giveth, and Wikipedia taketh. That's the cruel lesson learned in today's installment of The Best of Wikipedia. While every major news source has scooped us for the headline, not a single one of them has the smarts nor the courage to tackle the true story of Sinbad's Wikipedia page.

The truth about Sinbad after the jump...

Sinbad is a man of many faces and names. Sometimes spelled Sindbad, Sunpadh, and Sex-Bad, Sinbad got his start working entertainment when studying the Avesta at the Zoroastrian temple in Yazd. A disagreement between him and the greater body of faith led to his expulsion, which really is for the better since the Zoroastrian church went bankrupt after investing heavily in cold fusion in the 1980's.

A glimpse of the future offered by Zoroaster

Later, Sinbad joined the navy, where he sailed the seven seas. He wrote some crappy books about it under the horrible pen name, Sinbad the Sailor. It earned him mountains of cash, but he missed his true love... family appropriate ethnic comedy. Fortunately Bill Cosby was wise enough to cast him as the goofy coach Walter Oakes on the soft-core erotica series, A Different World. Sinbad shocked the nation with his casual nudity and open bisexuality as he courted and conquered then entire cast of the show. Despite critical praise, the show was a flop, and Sinbad was once again unemployed.

Sinbad's in-your-face sexuality was too much for American audiences

Then Jingle All the Way happened, and the world was never the same. For you see, Jingle All the Way opened a cosmic portal through which a prophet was delivered to the world.

The Prophet

The Prophet later wrote and edited Sinbad's Wikipedia page, where a typo misled the public to believe Sinbad had died of a heart attack. What The Prophet meant was, Sinbad will die of a heart attack. And pretty soon. The time and place are fuzzy, but we do know he dies with a raging boner.

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Thursday, March 15, 2007

How to spot an asshole

If you are a frequent reader of this page then you will know that we here writers live in LA. LA for the most part is a great city with beautiful women, perfect weather, and restuarants that feature food from all over the world. Of course there is one major drawback, the rather large asshole population.

Generally an asshole is really easy to spot but sometimes especially here in LA they can mask themselves within the general population. There is however one dead giveaway and that is a fondness for S. Pellegrino Sparkling Water.

Follow me after the jump for a brief history of Pellegrino's links with assholes.

Pellegrino was invented in Italy by Benito Mussolini in 1927 at a facist party mixer. Mussolini loved this drink so much that he even credited his sparkling water for leading his black shirts in victory over all of his polictical enemies.

When Mussolini was ultimately hung by his own people, Pellegrino production was temporarily banned. That was until actor and notorious asshole Charlie Chaplin was touring Italy as part of a USO tour when he uncovered some crates of the asshole juice.

Chaplin made millions bootlegging the bubbly water throughout Hollywood getting every major Hollywood asshole hooked. Large scale production of Pellegrino started up again in 1951.

Today notable Pellegrino drinkers/assholes include Bill O'Riely, Deleware Senator Joseph Biden, Comedian Bill Maher, Rosie O'Donell, Incredible Mr. Limpet Contributor Fatty Arbuckle, and this guy.

So as you walk the streets of your home town beware of the green bottle because it surely is being held by an asshole.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Separated At Birth

For weeks now I've been watching this Nike commercial and I couldn't shake this nagging feeling that I'd seen one of the players before. The more I watched it, the more confounded I became. Luckily, due to a sweet photo spread of pro basketball players and the tang they pull I was able to arrive at a conclusion.

I'm fairly certain Shawn Marion and the fauno from "Pan's Labyrinth" were switched at birth.

I stand by my hypothesis, and humbly offer one more case of Separated At Birth after the jump.

This one's obscure, but I have an unabashed love for the 90's Duke teams. Eventually, JJ Redick taught me how to hate.

Irregardless: Cherokee Parks and obscure Bill Pullman role of Daryl Zero might have been separated at birth:

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