Monday, September 17, 2007

Wholesome for Olson part 2

Maybe I should stop writing about college football.

Well, it's a good thing I'm a Miami Dolphins fan too, right?

Oh god when does basketball seaosn start?

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Friday, September 14, 2007

Make Your Natural Tendencies Pay

Phase One: Complete

Greg Oden, as you may have heard, will be sitting this one out for the remainder of the 2007-8 season. Which, I guess, makes it a good thing there's only eighty-two games left. But is there more to it than meets the eye?

I've got a sneaking suspicion this is all part of an elaborate plan set in motion by Mr. Oden to abandon his professional sports career and embrace the life he's always wanted: periodontics.

The greatest cinematic dentist in history, after the jump.

Greg Oden's been expressing his deep-seeded desire to rinse and repeat since he's been in the public eye. This whole microfracture surgery business is the perfect cover. Whose gonna question it when he hobbles back at "50%" and never achieves the potential we all forced upon him? Durant's gonna have the more illustrious career anyway, why not embrace the life you love when you're young, it would appear all it takes its a pink unitard thingie?

If Oden wants to fade into obscurity, I'll allow it. We got so many future All-Stars out of this draft, we sent one of the the Bucks. What's it to us if we lose one of 'em? Besides, this gives me the chance to say asinine things like "Oden's the new Darko."

And now, cinema's finest dentist:

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Trick Question

Who do you think would win in a fight: Dane Cook or The Sports Vaganus?

The answer, after the jump:

the rare North American Sports Vaganus

The Answer: Iraq

(We here at Limpet feel that if once-funny writers, and funny-the-first-time comics can unleash their drivel upon us, we can do so right back to them, sans explanation. That's why Iraq is the answer. Bitches.)

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Wholesome for Olson

As the college football season dawns upon us there have been many interesting Heisman campaigns going around the intertubes. USC fans for example have started a website called Booties for Booty where female USC fans make their father's proud by showing off what god gave them in order to sway the Heisman voters.

Well, being the UCLA fan that I am I have decided to start my own campaign for super QB Ben Olson. Follow me after the jump the awesomeness.

Welcome to Wholesome for Olson. Where we will display wholesome and nice pictures that celebrate the gridiron greatness of Mormon Superman Ben Olson.

See that kitty he loved Ben Olson's 5 TD performance against Stanford.


They say there is no such thing as unanswered prayers.

Do you have a picture that's wholesome enough for Ben Olson? Send it to and we'll post it.

Submited by our own Fatty Arbuckle:

From Mr. Feelings:

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Work is Freedom, Sloth is Sin!

Russia is in crisis comrades! The population is in decline! There's only one thing for us to do! Have sex. Lots and lots of sex. Dirty stinky nasty sex. And you know what? Big Brother is here to help you out with that.

More after the jump...

The recent decline in the population in Ulyanovsk region of Russia has spawned a bit of a crisis in the eyes of it's governor, Sergei Morozov. Being the great guy that Sergei is, he's offering every couple the day off today in order for them to go home and do the nasty. But that's not all. If your baby is born on the national day you could receive cars, TVs or a whole smorgasborg of other prizes.

Last year's winners, won an SUV and when reached for comment said, "We could never get so many rubles to purchase car of choice. Now with new baby, we can make profit on black market and keep car. We make very happy couple and look to defend championship next season."

America, sadly, does not yet have a sex day, but rest assured dear viewer. We'll keep you updated on the push for congress to remedy this monstrosity.

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Friday, September 7, 2007

Paging Reality TV

Your kids are dumber than chimpanzees. It's official. Science is even backing this up. What's this mean? It means there's an awesome TV show just waiting to be made.

Seriously, get off your asses, Fox programming execs. NOW! Before NBC's forthcoming Children Vs. Chimps hits the fall schedule.

Artists interpretation below:

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Thursday, September 6, 2007

Jim Henson Company Announces Phil Spector to Play All Parts in The Dark Crystal Two

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Two words: Roger Kabler

This man
inspired a nation to put down their golden hued beer and pick up a bottle of cool and clear Zima. He was the Pied Piper of shitty malt beverages. Make fun of Zima all you want, but in 1994, clear was the wave of the future, and Kabler new it.

It was a very brief future, and who really thought that a clear wine cooler could topple beer as the go to booze of football fans. Seriously, try throwing a Super Bowl party with refrigerator full of Zima. You'll be alone with nothing but crappy ol' Zima to erase the pain of rejection as you cry into your kitschy bowler hat and wipe snot on the sleeves of your over sized suit.

So maybe Kabler and Zima haven't haunted your memories as much as mine. I'll be the first to admit, Mr. Feeling's brain is a dusty attic full of random memories. Misty, water-colour, memories of the way we were.

That's because I watched way too much TV when I was a kid. Enough to recognize Kabler first for his sitcom work and second for his Zima schilling. Seriously, researching this guy has been absolutely cathartic. I couldn't remember what show he was on, but I knew he played the wacky white guy at a black radio station. Also the promos had a dude with a flamethrower torching a TV because that's how hot the programming on NBC was.

How hot was/is Kabler? I'll let youtube do the talking.

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Simply the Best: King of the Hill

I'm proud to introduce the newest segment to The Incredible Mr. Limpet: Simply the Best

Simply the Best is where we at Mr. Limpet rank things. Bask in our hilarity and/or witticisms.

Today's Topic: Characters from "King of the Hill"

You know what I was doing ten years ago? I was watching "Real Sex 5" on HBO and Amistad. Also, on Sunday nights, I would occassionally watch that show that came on before the Simpsons. The one made by the guy who did Beavis & Butthead.

Gotta be honest with you, before this summer, you could count the number of "King of the Hill" episodes I'd watched on your fingers. Then, during the first week of my my foray into hedonism I caught a 10th Year Anniversary marathon of "King of the Hill" on FX. That afternoon I learned what I'd been missing. Since then, I've cultivated quite an extensive amount of data on the characters of "King of the Hill".

After the jump, you'll find the coolest/most debatable list seen yet on this site.

Or, you won't read this because you don't care about a cartoon show you've never seen.

From least Wikid Awsum to most Wikid Awsum:

5. Peggy Hill - If you were to make a list of the most hate-inspiring cartoon characters of all-time, Peggy Hill, would easily top said list. Let me be clear: I do not hate Peggy Hill, she's just the embodiment of everything I hate about the Fly Over states. The reason she makes the list is because I've never actively despised a cartoon character's sense of self-esteem, and that takes guts. I'd admire the dander in me she rises (and that's just fun grammar.)The woman was afraid to take an IQ test because she was afraid it would result in a score lower than what she'd assumed it to be.

4. Bobby Hill - When I found out the voice of Bobby was a chick I fairly crapped myself. This woman's got amazing talent, and Bobby's got some of the bestest lines ever written. I can't think of a better Poster Boy for all the urban longing white kids feel. Bobby Hill is good for one genuine, belly laugh an episode.

3. Boomhauer - He got a lot of the press when the show debut because he most resembled the characters from "Beavis & Butthead" but he's so much more. I don't think I could name another character whose been given as much depth without uttering a single, understandable syllable. Unless, of course, you count Mumbles.

2. William Fontaine de la Tour "Bill" Dauterive - Hats will tell you he's the best, and I gotta admit, it's neck-and-neck. Bill's the saddest cartoon character ever, even sadder than Droopy. Bill's one-offs are the stuff dreams are made of. He's pathetic, he's worthless, he's the best damn barber our Armed Forces have ever produced.

1. Dale Gribble - That's right, the King doesn't even crack the Top Five. One might ask one's self: What was the deciding factor in making Dale somewhat better/more wikid awsum than Bill? Let me give you a glimpse into the sick, twisted mind of Dale:

A) he has owned Show Turtles for three years, but never put 'em in a show.

2) He goes by the name "Rusty Shackleford" and his Social Security number is 555-55-

C) For his last meal on Death Row, Dale wants "the world's rarest truffle, then, while they were searching for it, I'd tunnel my way out of prison. Although, I would miss out on eating the world's rarest truffle. Quite the quandry." That's fucking genius.

"What kind of lefty hootenanny is this?"

There it is, the Top Five Characters on "King of the Hill." I apologize but during the summer, it's been the show I DVR urrday. Every episode ends in either a heartfelt or hilarious way, and I feel it's underappreciated.

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