The Moustache is on the Market...

So Basketball season is just around the corner and I have to admit I haven't had a pro team to root for in quite a while. Upon losing my faith in the sport when I was a youngster I haven't really paid attention until last year's playoffs. Now, in order for me to pick a team and follow them until crushing defeat or playoff glory I am calling on you, faithful readers, to tell me to root for your team.

After the jump, a few things about myself.

Over the last few years my love for professional sports has become more intense than it ever was possibly due to the coming to terms that I am incredibly out of shape and will never, in any way, shape or form, be allowed to play on a sports team ever.

I live in the Los Angeles area, but am not totally opposed to rooting for an out of market team. I grew up a Yankee fan (dad is from NY), but in recent years all the heckling and being spit on by Boston douchebags has caused me to realize that I'll take my pain and suffering to Dodger Stadium (not to mention I live right down the street). As far as football goes, we have no team in the area, but I grew up a Bills fan (curses to my father who traded over to the Browns, wtf?). The Bills, obviously, is another team I cry about and pretend there's something in my eye just about every week. I don't have a hockey team. I don't want a hockey team.
Don't send me stuff about your favorite hockey team. Even if they are local, I can't watch them. Get your shit together NHL.

So get to it folks, email me at 10lbperuvianmoustache@gmail.com and find me a home. The months of February and March are ever so lonely without some team to root for in the NBA.

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When Will 9/11 Be Funny?

It's been what? 6 years now? I think it's time for us to laugh about a plane crashing into the side of a building killing a massive amount of people...well, at least my mother thinks it's time.

I'm at home over the weekend for a nice relaxing weekend and decide to turn on some of the quality programming over at the Discovery Channel. They have a disaster weekend planned and I'm into that sort of digital construction of tsunami's decimating different coastal cities all over the world. The one I was watching? New York of course.

So my mom comes in to get some quality time with her son and begins watching the program along with me. They show a woman sitting on a bench paying no attention to a giant fucking wave to end all waves coming in from the ocean. I mean this girl is sitting there listening to her AM/FM radio tape player combo she got from Radio Shack because she hasn't had a date in years, hence why she's sitting at a Manhattan ocean front all alone waiting for certain doom.

I make some comment about her blatant disregard for her own life, but my mother's retort is what sent me reeling. "Well, you'd think the people in New York City would be more concerned about airplanes running into their buildings than a big wave."

Wow. I'm reporting this to you because, ladies and gentlemen, 9/11 is officially funny on the west coast. A conservative 54-year-old woman has decided it for us.

We will never forget. And that's a good thing considering the comedic potential that awaits us.

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How We Fight

I'm not sure about new military tactics being developed, but this is sure to turn some heads at the pentagon and get implemented to keep order in those unruly Iraqi cricket games.

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$200 Million For What Exactly?

Dear readers I need your help. I just read an article on CNN about a McDonald's employee who was forced to strip by a man impersonating a police officer. Apparently similar incidents had been occurring at other McDonald' restaurants in the area, and management failed to alert this particular McD's, so she is suing for $200 million in damages. That sounds like it would be pretty cut and dry, but it isn't. Please read the article and tell me exactly what happened?

From what I gather the phony police officer was actually just on the phone calling from Florida?

"A Florida man, David Stewart, was acquitted last year on charges of
impersonating an officer, soliciting sodomy and soliciting sexual abuse in the
incident... Donna Jean Summers, the assistant manager, was convicted of unlawful
imprisonment. Her former fiancee, Walter Nix Jr., is serving a 5-year sentence
for sexual abuse and other crimes."

And then for some reason the assistant manager handed the phone to her boyfriend who took over the "investigation?

"Ogborn was 18 and working at a McDonald's in April 2004 when she was forced to
strip after a man called the store, claiming he was investigating a theft. At
one point during the 3½-hour search, the assistant manager's boyfriend was left
to handle the phone call."

Then somehow Ogborn ended up naked and performing sex acts on the boyfriend/Fiance?

"During the trial, jurors watched more than an hour of a security video of
the hoax call. On the video, a nude Ogborn is shown performing sex acts on
herself and Nix."

What? What? WHAT??? Help me friends. I don't understand what took place here. If anyone was in the area, or knows someone who works at CNN and they just left out a big portion of this article, please explain to me.

If I was forced to recap I would say: a guy calls McD's, says he is a cop, the phone is handed the boyfriend Nix, the guy on the phone says he Nix is to strip search Ogborn, then the guy on the phone says Ogborn is to perform sex acts to prove she is no thief. This can't be right. I know this took place in Kentucky but come on.

Please leave explanations in the comments section or email them to me at: Fatty.R.Buckle@gmail.com

***UPDATE***

Thanks to reader Micki, this whole thing is alot more clear, and holy god is it aweful! Not sure if How much McDonald's is actually responsible but at least one person who works there and another who doesn't should be in Jail.

The Video explains:

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Idiots Enjoy Meeting to Talk About Stupid Things

So this well educated citizen on the left here and this pillar of the community to the right...








Have decided to join forces and are talking about how to secede from the United States that just doesn't fit their well crafted ideology.



That's right, in the most important news story since November of 1860, the Middlebury Institute and the League of the South have met to decide how to secede from the union. OK, well it actually isn't that important because some group of hippy dipshits are having a tea party with some old white dudes from the south (Note: The League of the South will be drinking mint juleps or bourbon at this tea party. Tea is for queers and hippy dipshits)

Who is the Middleton Institute you ask? Well they're just about as worthless as you, monkey dick. They're lead by Thomas Naylor, a former professor at Duke University. They don't say what he was a professor of, but for the sake of this article it will be assumed that he was Associate Dean of Agricultural Sciences. His love for weed made him the hit of the student body. All that was in the past however, now, he is so upset at President Bush and everything else that his whining and crying has been unable to change that he wants Vermont to secede. Good thinkin' poindexter.

Who is the League of the south? I'll let this quote do my work for me:

The League of the South says it is not racist, but proudly displays a Confederate Battle Flag on its banner....."They call everybody racists," Sale said. "There are, no doubt, racists in the League of the South, and there are, no doubt, racists everywhere."

OK well that's true enough. I mean racists DO exist so whatever raise the confederate flag and refer to "the darkies" under your breath so as not to shame yourself. "League of the South - Making Sense Since... Wait When Did Dukes of Hazzard Go Off The Air? Yeah Since Then." No seriously that's their motto. Call them and ask them dickwad.

One more good quote and then I'll let you get back to masturbating at your desk and hoping your boss doesn't walk by.

"It doesn't matter if our next president is Condoleeza (Rice) or Hillary (Clinton), it is going to be grim," said Naylor, adding that there are secessionist movements in more than 25 states, including Hawaii, Alaska, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Texas.

Hear that cretins? There are idiots all over America! And roughly 43 of them have it in their fever cooked gray matter that they can get people onboard with their secession plan.

Watch out America, we are this close || to having each home in America becoming its own City-State.

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