Back Row Review Show: When a house isn't a home; it's prison

Hello loyal readers!

Before I start my review of the new DreamWorks film DISTURBIA, I have to confess something: Two years ago, I was on house arrest. To quote Ghostface Killah, “Home is not where the heart is.” House Arrest was brutal, son.

I mean, if I lived in some mansion with a bunch of girls and some large and angry pit bulls-- I’m talking like an MTV Cribs set-up--then maybe it would be sweet. But not my house. I swear to God, my wife was on me so much that I actually prayed I was in the joint giving a back massage to Jimmy C., the leader of the Local White Supremacy Chapter.

My kids were my cellmates, and boy, were they not prepared for the horrors of prison life. You should have seen their faces the first time I shanked the mailman, or paid for Chinese Food with a pack of squares (cigarettes, for my civilian readers), or took a dump in the middle of the living room. (“You go where you know,” goes the prison motto).

So, I brought this first-hand knowledge of home imprisonment to DISTURBIA. In the movie, this kid named KALE watches his father die in a car crash, and a year later, he’s so pissed off about it that he pops his Spanish teacher in the eye (Ooh, tough guy!) and gets placed on house arrest. While there, Kale, his Gaysian best friend and some girl who kinda looks like Simba but only way cuter spot a murderer living next door, and they band together to stop him.

Now, I’d love to be able to slam this movie for its inaccuracy, or making light of a depressing situation that is being locked home with a wife that wife that walks around clanging a billy club on the gates around our windows.

But I just can’t do it. Why? Because Shia Lebouf is in Disturbia.

Shia. Let me tell you something. You’re the reason I got through house arrest in one piece. Well, not really you, but your alter ego.

Even Stevens.

Yes Shia, I watched Even Stevens on loop when I was in home joint. That’s all I had; a TV with three channels and sniped cigarettes I took from the mailman’s pocket. I loved that show. Every day I tuned in, hoping that your character wasn’t whacked or voted off the show. And you know what young man? You never disappointed me.

You know what would be cool, Shia? You and I should get arrested together, and not for punching a teacher or wearing a hoodie in class. I’m talking Grand Larceny, or some Ocean’s 11 type shit. Or just something that would land us in the same house together. Then you and I could smoke pot together, watch the neighbors and discuss the news, sports, and weather when we take our showers together in the morning. I'd be Morgan Freeman to your Tim Robbins; I’d never want the horrors of home joint to take away from what a solid young man you are.

Think about it young man. And PS: I liked you way way more in LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE than I did in this movie. Now, that’s a feature.

Gotta go! Weed doesn’t smoke itself!

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Back Row Review Show: Stay at Home Edition!!!!

Bling Crosby Jr. is at it again! That's right folks he's found some time in his busy schedule huffing paint to do another review for us.

So please follow us after the jump for Bling's review of Winter Passing.

Hello Friends! 

After a couple of days off, (rehab followed by a quick two-night stay at my local prison), I'm back and ready to shoot from the hip about the new movies hitting theatres! 


Except this time, I decided to write about what I've been watching from my Netflix account. I know what you're saying, "hey buddy, I thought you went to the movies to review them....working from home, that's bullshit."

Well, it's not bullshit. It's called House Arrest, and even under house arrest, a man's gotta pay his bills. He's gotta pay his telephone bills. And he's gotta pay his automobiles too, even though there's this orange type thing on the tire that won't let him drive to the movies. And if it’s not enough, a repo man has been driving by my car at night. And I’m not talking about Martin Sheen; I’m talking the real repo man. None of that Two and a Half men Bullshit; this is life baby! Shit is real in the field.

So, I lit some candles, got comfy, put the wife and the kids and their kids and a few of their kids to bed, and threw in tonight's movie: Winter Passing. 

I know you think Winter Passing is a little too small for a plebian like me, to which I reply Bitch Please. I went to (community) college.....I have a large appreciation for the arts and other artsy things. Although I hadn't heard of this movie, one of my Netflix friends gave it a five star rating! His name is Brooklynkid85, he lives in Brooklyn and claims Brooklyn for life. (He says it's better than where he grew up in Rhode Island). Although last time my Brooklyn friend suggested the movie it was thing called ALI; FEAR BITES THE SOUL. I was like "sweeeeeeet....A new sequel to Ali!" But guess what, there was no Will Smith and there wasn't even English. 



So, on to the movie. This is the funniest film I've seen all year! Director Adam Rapp must have been as fed up with that indie bullshit as I was, so he made like a SCARY MOVIE type spoof of Art Films.

Does it work? 

DOES IT EVER. 

Here's what happens in the first 20 minutes. 



Our hero, played by ELF's Zooey Deschanel, gets all sad after she doesn't get an audition. 


-She does coke. 


-She has three one-night stands and kicks them out. 


-She does more coke and more sex.

-She tends Bar (because she's a people's person)


-She Slams her hand in a drawer because it's the only way she can feel. 


-Her cat gets sick, so she put him/her in a bag and dumps said bag into the river. 



Pretty funny, right? 

So I rated it five stars and told my friend from Brooklyn how funny it was. But here's where the story gets weird.....he tried to tell me it's not a comedy.

Kill that noise! This shit's funny! 

Here's what he wrote me. 

"You uncivilized animal. How could you think this brutally honest and emotional portrait of apathy in both the zoo that is the post-modern American city and the hell that is the modern arts communities could ever be conceived as a comedy? This is what happens to people who live in the shadow of famous people, pain and other stuff." 



What! How can this be true! Do all tortured rich girls have one night stands and put their hand in drawers! My wife doesn't do that shit, and she's effing tortured. She may cry herself to sleep in her pillow and the curse the day I was born, but she'll get over it. (I stopped paying attention to her a looong time ago...)

As should my Brooklyn friend. Lighten up buddy, this movie is funny.

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