Hats Bagelman is getting fired!

Hello everyone in Limpet-Land! I know I've been away for a while and for that I apologize. (Well, if you've read my posts maybe you should be thanking me for being gone so long).

Anyway, I thought I'd start a new running feature and for this one I'm gonna need you're help. I'm trying to get fired from my job.

Why don't I just quit? The answer is simple. Thanks to California law you can't just quit your job and file for unemployment. That privilege is reserved for people lucky enough to be laid off or fired, and thanks to this poor economic environment I can't afford to just quit my job and live a life without income (goddamn Cobb salad addiction).

Okay so here's the deal for the past week I've been at work for a total of four hours. The problem is my fake sickness can't last forever. Today (Wednesday) is the last day I can milk "my cold" for work absences. So this is where I turn to you, the blogosphere, for help. I need more excuses to miss work, or just ideas as to what I can do to drive my employers nuts.

Some of the ideas I've been tossing around include...Taking time off to mourn the death of beloved Evangelist Jerry Falwell...Claiming that one of my Cuban relatives just defected...or admitting to the Zodiac killings and I have to be in San Francisco for questioning.

So if you guys have any ideas please put them in the comments section. I'm serious about this. Also I kinda want to string this out, basically to see how many stupid things I can get away with before they're finally fed up and fire me.

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The Best of Wikipedia

Goddammit, I'm keeping my promise and bringing you a piping hot Best of Wikipedia. This week's entry: The Guardian.

Not the British newspaper, but rather the 2006 Kevin Costner/Ashton Kutcher box-office-bofo-dynamite- blockbuster-smashtastic-fantastic, hit movie. I waited in line six hours to be the first one in the theater doors, and I have no regrets (except for not wearing enough sun block, LOL). Apparently I'm not alone, as some kindred spirit out there took the time to write a complete synopsis of this film. It's an 1,100 word opus that so perfectly sums the movie experience, reading it is equivalent to twelve consecutive viewings.

Find out why after the jump...

Of particular note is the section entitled "Never Let Go." An excerpt:

The major theme throughout the film is the idea of letting go. Taking many forms, this idea is both physically and figuratively illustrated. The first mention of this idea is in the opening, where Randall is trying to save the husband and wife. As the husband tries to grab ahold of the basket, Randall can be heard saying 'Let Go'. The idea reappears for a second time when Randall's wife looks at him and begs him to 'let her go', a referance to her leaving him. The irony is that neither character can really 'let go' of the other, evidenced after the Helicopter crash and Randall's death. Figuratively, 'Letting Go' is illustrated by the tale of Randall's heroism holding onto the man during the Helicopter flight to safety. Fischer re-creates the same scenerio during the final, climactic rescue, only to have Randall undo his glove and fall to his death. Randall is also forced to 'Let Go' of his career after a PTSD attack during a rescue. An irony here is that Randall is called back into service the same day to rescue Fischer.

The Kutch can see your soul
Ok, I'm sorry I made you read that. Anyway, Kevin Costner dies in the movie, but not really because he becomes the mythological "man under the sea" referred to by the Alutiqq people of Kodiak. So he's not dead; he's just a merman who aids the Coast Guard in dangerous rescues. It's kind of like this blog's namesake, The Incredible Mr. Limpet, only instead of Nazi U-boats, Costner fights the ocean. (I know you might not believe me since I tend to embellish these things, but really, it's the truth. Check the article. He's a damned dirty merman.)

All mermen are Asian
There are murmurs of a sequel where Costner, now tired of his merman life, wishes to be part of our world once again. He makes an ill-advised deal with an underwater sorceress, trading his soul for land legs, but the goodly King Triton comes to his rescue granting Costner his heart's truest wish. Brian Adams will also contribute music inspired by. I can't wait!

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Let There Be Light

From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
-Matthew 27:45-46

Well, replace the god mentioned above with Mr. Feelings, and that's pretty much how you've felt this past month. But I'm gonna make a pledge even god can't keep. Never again will Mr. Feelings leave you alone in misery and darkness. I'll be there for you. Be it your birthday, wedding, doctor's appointment, tax return, extreme makeover, moving day, or divorce, I will always be by your side. And when you look down in the sand and see one set of footprints, it's because I'm carrying you.

That said, I'll be back shortly with a new Best of Wikipedia.

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