Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Hats Bagelman is getting fired!

Hello everyone in Limpet-Land! I know I've been away for a while and for that I apologize. (Well, if you've read my posts maybe you should be thanking me for being gone so long).

Anyway, I thought I'd start a new running feature and for this one I'm gonna need you're help. I'm trying to get fired from my job.

Why don't I just quit? The answer is simple. Thanks to California law you can't just quit your job and file for unemployment. That privilege is reserved for people lucky enough to be laid off or fired, and thanks to this poor economic environment I can't afford to just quit my job and live a life without income (goddamn Cobb salad addiction).

Okay so here's the deal for the past week I've been at work for a total of four hours. The problem is my fake sickness can't last forever. Today (Wednesday) is the last day I can milk "my cold" for work absences. So this is where I turn to you, the blogosphere, for help. I need more excuses to miss work, or just ideas as to what I can do to drive my employers nuts.

Some of the ideas I've been tossing around include...Taking time off to mourn the death of beloved Evangelist Jerry Falwell...Claiming that one of my Cuban relatives just defected...or admitting to the Zodiac killings and I have to be in San Francisco for questioning.

So if you guys have any ideas please put them in the comments section. I'm serious about this. Also I kinda want to string this out, basically to see how many stupid things I can get away with before they're finally fed up and fire me.


asherlewis said...

let's....set the bldg on fire....but take the stapler.

Micki said...

Dave: here's the problem. After talking with you these past few months on AIM while we ride out our slow work days, I've come across the realization that nobody cares enough to fire you for showing up late, leaving early, or not coming in at all.

You should stage a sit-in. Just don't leave. Make it your home. Walk around in just your boxers with a toothbrush and toothpaste hanging out of your mouth. Be in rooms where you shouldn't be. Meander onto the stage while Laugh Factory comics are performing (which will also be much funnier than whatever comic is on stage at said time). Stop bathing. Talk really loudly all the time. Every time somebody tries to go into the bathroom, wordlessly block them until they get so creeped out the sneak across the street to use the CPK bathroom.

I mean, there are all SORTS of things you can do with this!!

Fatty Arbuckle said...

Simple. You work at the Laugh Factory; just get on stage and call some people the N word. You will be banned for life.
And as a non-celebrity you will only be hated as a racist by the people who saw you do it... and anyone who you tell about it... and by all those who I relate this story to as proof of your racism... and the good lord who sees all... But that is all.

Nacho Friendly said...

Claim that you need time off to prepare your legal case against Carlos Mencia, for stealing your act. You've been doing that "Da-Da-DUUUUHH" thing for years. It's gold, Hats, GOLD!