Showing posts with label Assholes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Assholes. Show all posts
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Area Man Loses $314 Million Lottery
Tempe Arizona (IML)- Local resident Jeff Kleinburger was devastated Saturday night upon learning he did not win the 314 million dollar multi-state Powerball jackpot. “I just knew I was going to win! And then when numbers all rolled into place, I couldn’t believe my eyes. How could this happen?” Mr. Kleinburger said he had purchased a ticket for the earlier Wednesday drawing as well but never expected to win it, “I had no special feeling about Wednesday’s lotto, but when no one won I just felt it! That three-hundred million was mine for sure.” Kleinburger spent the three day lead up to the drawing making plans to spend his forthcoming millions. Dreams such as moving to a mansion in Scottsdale, taking all his friends on a private jet to Vegas for the weekend, and commissioning a large robot rottwiler to guard all of his “new rich-guy shit,” will have to remain unrealized.
Madeline Kleinburger, mother to the 22 year-old loser, was wontedly disappointed in her son’s most recent failing, “After Jeff quit architecture school two years ago, he took a job at the Apple Store down on Camelback (Road), and not much he has done since has surprised me. But this lotto thing, -it really had him going. Maybe now he will take that job with his uncle at the ostrich farm outside Chandler.”
Coworkers at the Biltmore Fashion Park were promised they too would benefit from Kleinburger’s surefire windfall. Since Thursday Kleinburger has spent both his fifteen and thirty minutes a day in the break room listing the lavish gifts and wads of cash he would spread among his fellow coworkers. According to Apple Store sales associate Ray Cupboard, “Jeff said he would give everyone below manager $50K after he won, so we could all quit and screw this dump.”
Clair Bellwood, the cute hostess at the Cheesecake Factory next door, said Jeff made promises to her which now can never be kept, “He told me that if I went out with him on Friday he would get me that Marc Jacobs bag I have had my eye on. I thought he was an investment in my future, now I think he was just another unsatisfying trip around third base with an ASU drop out.”
Jeff plans to continue working at the Apple Store until the Monopoly game at McDonald’s starts up again. “I eat a lot of Double-Quarterpounders, so this year I just know I am going to drive off in that new Viper Convertible, (with) a Nintendo Wii, and 100,000 American Dollars.”
Madeline Kleinburger, mother to the 22 year-old loser, was wontedly disappointed in her son’s most recent failing, “After Jeff quit architecture school two years ago, he took a job at the Apple Store down on Camelback (Road), and not much he has done since has surprised me. But this lotto thing, -it really had him going. Maybe now he will take that job with his uncle at the ostrich farm outside Chandler.”
Coworkers at the Biltmore Fashion Park were promised they too would benefit from Kleinburger’s surefire windfall. Since Thursday Kleinburger has spent both his fifteen and thirty minutes a day in the break room listing the lavish gifts and wads of cash he would spread among his fellow coworkers. According to Apple Store sales associate Ray Cupboard, “Jeff said he would give everyone below manager $50K after he won, so we could all quit and screw this dump.”Clair Bellwood, the cute hostess at the Cheesecake Factory next door, said Jeff made promises to her which now can never be kept, “He told me that if I went out with him on Friday he would get me that Marc Jacobs bag I have had my eye on. I thought he was an investment in my future, now I think he was just another unsatisfying trip around third base with an ASU drop out.”
Jeff plans to continue working at the Apple Store until the Monopoly game at McDonald’s starts up again. “I eat a lot of Double-Quarterpounders, so this year I just know I am going to drive off in that new Viper Convertible, (with) a Nintendo Wii, and 100,000 American Dollars.”
Thursday, March 15, 2007
How to spot an asshole
If you are a frequent reader of this page then you will know that we here writers live in LA. LA for the most part is a great city with beautiful women, perfect weather, and restuarants that feature food from all over the world. Of course there is one major drawback, the rather large asshole population.
Generally an asshole is really easy to spot but sometimes especially here in LA they can mask themselves within the general population. There is however one dead giveaway and that is a fondness for S. Pellegrino Sparkling Water.
Follow me after the jump for a brief history of Pellegrino's links with assholes.
Pellegrino was invented in Italy by Benito Mussolini in 1927 at a facist party mixer. Mussolini loved this drink so much that he even credited his sparkling water for leading his black shirts in victory over all of his polictical enemies.
When Mussolini was ultimately hung by his own people, Pellegrino production was temporarily banned. That was until actor and notorious asshole Charlie Chaplin was touring Italy as part of a USO tour when he uncovered some crates of the asshole juice.
Chaplin made millions bootlegging the bubbly water throughout Hollywood getting every major Hollywood asshole hooked. Large scale production of Pellegrino started up again in 1951.
Today notable Pellegrino drinkers/assholes include Bill O'Riely, Deleware Senator Joseph Biden, Comedian Bill Maher, Rosie O'Donell, Incredible Mr. Limpet Contributor Fatty Arbuckle, and this guy.
So as you walk the streets of your home town beware of the green bottle because it surely is being held by an asshole.
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