Mustache Royal Rumble

The Final Four's been set and it looks like 10lb's tea leaves were far more accurate in predicting those mustaches that would excel, correctly choosing 3 of the 4 Finalists. I bow with reverence, humbly. (Honestly, should I even feel bad? I mean the guy's name is 10lb Mustache, it's not like I had much of a chance.)

There is one last round, however, and it's a no-holds-barred Royal Rumble style Death Match.

Catch up on our short predictions for who will pull this thing out, metaphorically speaking, after the jump.

Nacho: I heard a radio commercial for this contest on my way in to work today, and that commercial played sound bites from each of the Finalists. Jimmy Oritz, or Oddjob as we've taken to calling him, said that his mustache was "famous" and that kids and adults wanted to "touch it" but if you look at Jimmy's profile pictures, it becomes painfully obvious that he's a flasher, and is in this thing just to be touched. Jim Brees is an idiot and says his mustache would "look good behind the wheel of a new Chevy Silverado." You know what else would? My sack. I'm just sayin'; anything looks good behind the wheel of a new Chevy Silverado.

Now the tough part: "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey's makes up half of the Finalists that use their brain and actually have an angle. She points out that, as a woman, if she saw any of the other 'staches she'd "run away from them." I think this is a brilliant move, because it'll force all the ladies out there to question what they find attractive, and it'll make the dudes wonder if they're gay. (You voted for Ortiz because you secretly want him to give you an odd job, didn't you?) Bravo Maggie, you are the CJ Craig of deflecting attention in Mustache Madness. Lastly is Lance Kirianoff, who told us that his mustache "soars out like an eagle. In essence, it's a symbol for the American way." In these troublesome times fraught with peril and legitimate questioning of our nation's leaders, I applaud Lance for concentrating on the positive side of things, for focusing on all that is good in America. I say it's a toss up between Lance and Scraps, with Scraps pulling ahead in the final hours, and Lance, not unlike Bruce Willis, perishing on the asteroid.

10lb Moustache: Wow. I can't believe we made it this far. I'd love to see all of these moustaches perform a true royal rumble along with the ultimate moustache Hulk Hogan, but mostly I'd just like him to body slam that dumbass Jim Brees.

As far as predictions go, I think an underestimation of Lance or Maggie at this point would be a poor move on any serious contender. Brees is right out. I mean look at him. His picture is in black and white! He shouldn't even be this far.

I think your heavy weight contender is Ortiz, mostly because he probably took his laptop to a family picnic this last weekend and forced everyone to vote for him and if they refused he probably chopped off their head with his hat. Maggie, however, is our dark horse and is a force, I think it's safe to say, no one saw coming.

Click For More...

Snarled & Jammed: The Three Worst Infrastructures In America

With the arrival of the NCAA Tournament's Final Four, Atlanta's gonna be busier than an indentured servant in high cotton. Folks from the four corners of the country will amass in the home of Cartoon Network and Waffle House to watch man-children duke it out for the title of National Champion.

I've done a few tours in The Jewel of the South and I thought I'd share some thoughts about how it, and other cities, decided that a decent infrastructure isn't as important as a professional sports team.

So fill out your survey, and join us after the jump for Nacho Friendly's Three Worst Infrastructures In America.


My god, you've really got nothing to do, don't you? Jesus, it's a post about bad traffic. It's not even clever. No big revelations here. Lemme save you a lot of time:

#3 - Los Angeles (Don't be so insulted; it's bad, but there's endless lunacy to marvel at whilst stuck in it, so it's not that bad.)

#2 - Atlanta (There is no time of the day that traffic doesn't suck in Atlanta. God help you if you try and get anywhere downtown after 3pm.)

#1 - Houston (Ever been there? This guy has. He fucking designed the inner loop. Do not attempt to drive through Houston unless you are in some sort of psychedelic state where logic doesn't exist. And remember, do whatever the coyote says.)

There we go. Couple witticisms, a few deep links. Goonies reference. Yep, it's a Limpet Post.

Don't forget to vote for "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey in Mustache Madness's Final Four. There's no more match-ups, it's a free for all. 10lb & myself will have details coming forthwith.

Click For More...

Moustache Madness is here!

The time is 11:09, I'm still vomiting green, & Jock Jams Vol. II is on the stereo...it can mean only one thing: It's Mustache Madness time again!

That's right, those lovely fellas over at Jack FM have started up their yearly March Moustache tournament. And your two guides to everything from handlebars to flava savas, Nacho Friendly and 10lb. Moustache, have the guide to help you navigate your own way victory in your office.

Follow us after the jump to beat that fat bitch Nancy in accounting...

(Note: Click on the picture to get a full view of what the bracket has to offer!)

Sweet Sixteen Matchups:

In the creatively-illiterate "FLAVA SAVA" division:

Nacho: We've got Steve Morales (below, left) going up against Dennis Marsh (below, right). I gotta give this one to Marsh. Morales went for the heartstrings; he claims he grew his 'stache because he saw a photo of his great-grandpa, and "thought it would be cool." C'mon, Steve everyone's great-grandfather had that 'stache. It was the Selleck of the Gilded Age. Dennis Marsh upset the top seed, and he states that he grew his mustache long just to piss off his boss. Besides, Dennis's picture offers a lot more opportunities for lewd captions. Go ahead. I'm sure you can think of a few in the comments section.











Moustache: Marsh did beat out the Reynolds look alike, but though Marsh seems like a fun loving firefighter, I wouldn't underestimate Morales' stache. It had four confirmed kills in Vietnam as an assassin. I mean, why else would anyone be living in Thousand Oaks?

(Ed note: We sincerely apologize to our readers in Thousand Oaks, Moustache was hurt a long time ago by a tainted woman who lived there. The rest of us at Limpet do not feel the same way he does even though she was a pretty big whore)


Nacho: Next we've got Ben de los Reyes (below, left) taking on Jimmy Ortiz (below, right). Ben's comments about his 'stache cover his obvious duel heritage. He describes his mustache in a way I'd like to, were I don one. Ben's the underdog at the 11-seed, but Jimmy's just not giving me any reason to vote for him. Other than being way too personal about his hygeine. I'm going with King Ben.










Moustache: King Ben?!?! Don't get ahead of yourself here Nacho. Jimmy Ortiz would go into a blind rage killing Ben in an instance with his hat. Yes, that was an Odd-Job reference and, no, you can't be him on Goldeneye next time because that little shit was way too hard to see. Look, his last name is Ortiz, he's wearing a suit, he didn't have his girlfriend leave a comment for him on the page. Hands down. Ortiz.

Nacho: I've got Marsh to advance to the Final Four, sending the Monopoly Man into a murderous rampage.

Moustache: I'm calling a fight to the death between Ortiz and Morales. All the families are getting involved. There will be blood before we get to the final four.

In the why-isn't-this-really-offensive "WOMB BROOM" division:

Nacho: Hide the children, it's 1-seeded Paul "Dirty" Sanchez (below, left) going up against 5-seeded Rod "No Nickname Needed" Smallwood (below, right). Dirty's a top seed for a reason: he's got a wikid 'stache, and its fate is inherently tied to his daughters. It can't be easy to be a teenager, with no chance of your dad shaving before you graduate. As for Rod Smallwood, well, he's a liar. No, not about his name; about the founding fathers. I call bullshit. No founding father wore that ridiculous thing. Dirty wins.












Moustache: Oh, please. Rod Smallwood is your man. Paul Sanchez looks like his beard threw up into something that vaguely resembled a moustache. If I wanted to see half-assed moustaches I'd go to Thousand Oaks and visit my ex.

(Ed Note: Refer to above statement concerning Limpet and Thousand Oaks, but really, she was a huge slut.)

Nacho: Rounding out the division are Lance Kirianoff (below, left) & Tom Kamuda (below, right). This one is really a shame for Tom. Normally, he'd be a solid bet, but this time around the fates led to a Upturny-thing vs. Upturny-thing, and if you'll notice, Lance makes specific mention that his 'stache has learned to turn itself out, like Dirk Diggler in a pickup. Tommy is forced to hold his up with his hands, due to what I can only assume is a lack of wax. Also, Lance doesn't look like he's about to sodomize the next thing that moves in his photo. Lance advances.











Moustache: I'm going to have to agree with you here on this one, Nacho. Kirianoff is a shoo in. Kamuda has to hold his out to show that it's not just part of his beard. Kirianoff doesn't even need wax to get his in a prime shape. Kamuda must have faced some severely sad contenders to get this far.

Nacho: I'm taking 3-seeded Kirianoff to the Final Four. Dirty had a good run, but it's not in the cards.

Moustache: Kirianoff is going to the final four. I've said my peace about the other two.

In the bi-curiously-lingual "EL BIGOTES" division:

Nacho: A GIRL?! Here we've got 1-seeded Mark Fields (below, left) going up against "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey (below, right), who has decidedly less Y-chromosones than the rest of the Sweet Sixteen. I'm taking the Scraps. I don't see what's special about Fields's 'stache; seems to have gotten a higher seed than he deserved, like Wisconsin. Scraps points out that she can put her mustache on babies, which can only turn out well. Dempsey takes it.










Moustache: Scraps has got it. She's got heart, tattoos and boobies.

Nacho: In the Cinderella match-up we've got 7-seeded Chirs Farren (below, left)taking on 14-seed Hal "The Colonel" Gant (below, right). I wanted to give this one to Farren because his mustache reminds me of a branding, but in the end, I had to go with Hal's anti-war message. His misguided superiors tried to restrict his mustache's freedom, so he did the only American thing there was to do: he found a loophole. Bravo, The Colonel, bravo.











Moustache: At this point I don't think it matters which of these two wins because they will lose to scraps in the Elite eight anyway. "Crisco" terrifies me, but Gant looks like he's going to try and sell me something I don't really need. I guess I'd rather be tricked into getting a Flowbee than be scared and I could ensure a superior doo for my next trip to Thousand Oaks.

(Ed Note: Once again, we are not in anyway affiliated with Moustache's hatred of Thousand Oaks, but what kind of a bitch breaks up with you over IM? Seriously, get some class.)

Nacho: While I wanna take The Colonel to the championship, I'm going out on a limb and I'm gonna send Scraps to the Big Game.

Moustache: Scraps is going to the four. No doubt about it.

The "Bad News Bears of Moustache Madness" are the Ticklers

Nacho: The first match up pits Rene Diamante (below, left) against Don Cooper (below, right). While Coop's 'stache stoutly refuses to obey the laws of gravity, I'm going with Diamante, who may or may not be a time traveler from "Deadwood". You grow up with a girl's name, you learn early that you've gotta be tough and nothing says tough like Rene's 'stache.












Moustache: This is a hard one to call, but I think I'm going to have to go with Cooper's no bullshit attitude. No stories of glory or family. Just 'stache. And he doesn't give a shit that his camera still shows the date.

Nacho: In the final contest there's Jim "Bushy" Bees (below, left) and Jeff " The Drifter" Hiers (below, right). Both are men of few words, they let their 'staches do their talking. Considering both started at double-digits seeds, I consider this a toss up. I'm going with The Drifter, because he made me remember how much I enjoyed watching Forrest Gump run cross country.











Moustache: I could care less about these two guys. these moustaches and pictures suck immensely. Bees is wearing a Santa hat so why not.

Nacho: Advancing to the Final Four, I'm taking Rene due his 'stache versatility in pirate, swashbuckling, and rum running situations.

Moustache: I'm only hoping that Don Cooper takes his no bullshit attitude all the way to the top.

FINAL FOUR

Nacho: March/Kirianoff. Scrappy/Rene.

Moustache: Ortiz/Kirianoff and Scrappy/Cooper.

Make sure to come back to check out who's going to go all the way on April 2nd.

Click For More...