Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Moustache Madness is here!

The time is 11:09, I'm still vomiting green, & Jock Jams Vol. II is on the stereo...it can mean only one thing: It's Mustache Madness time again!

That's right, those lovely fellas over at Jack FM have started up their yearly March Moustache tournament. And your two guides to everything from handlebars to flava savas, Nacho Friendly and 10lb. Moustache, have the guide to help you navigate your own way victory in your office.

Follow us after the jump to beat that fat bitch Nancy in accounting...

(Note: Click on the picture to get a full view of what the bracket has to offer!)

Sweet Sixteen Matchups:

In the creatively-illiterate "FLAVA SAVA" division:

Nacho: We've got Steve Morales (below, left) going up against Dennis Marsh (below, right). I gotta give this one to Marsh. Morales went for the heartstrings; he claims he grew his 'stache because he saw a photo of his great-grandpa, and "thought it would be cool." C'mon, Steve everyone's great-grandfather had that 'stache. It was the Selleck of the Gilded Age. Dennis Marsh upset the top seed, and he states that he grew his mustache long just to piss off his boss. Besides, Dennis's picture offers a lot more opportunities for lewd captions. Go ahead. I'm sure you can think of a few in the comments section.

Moustache: Marsh did beat out the Reynolds look alike, but though Marsh seems like a fun loving firefighter, I wouldn't underestimate Morales' stache. It had four confirmed kills in Vietnam as an assassin. I mean, why else would anyone be living in Thousand Oaks?

(Ed note: We sincerely apologize to our readers in Thousand Oaks, Moustache was hurt a long time ago by a tainted woman who lived there. The rest of us at Limpet do not feel the same way he does even though she was a pretty big whore)

Nacho: Next we've got Ben de los Reyes (below, left) taking on Jimmy Ortiz (below, right). Ben's comments about his 'stache cover his obvious duel heritage. He describes his mustache in a way I'd like to, were I don one. Ben's the underdog at the 11-seed, but Jimmy's just not giving me any reason to vote for him. Other than being way too personal about his hygeine. I'm going with King Ben.

Moustache: King Ben?!?! Don't get ahead of yourself here Nacho. Jimmy Ortiz would go into a blind rage killing Ben in an instance with his hat. Yes, that was an Odd-Job reference and, no, you can't be him on Goldeneye next time because that little shit was way too hard to see. Look, his last name is Ortiz, he's wearing a suit, he didn't have his girlfriend leave a comment for him on the page. Hands down. Ortiz.

Nacho: I've got Marsh to advance to the Final Four, sending the Monopoly Man into a murderous rampage.

Moustache: I'm calling a fight to the death between Ortiz and Morales. All the families are getting involved. There will be blood before we get to the final four.

In the why-isn't-this-really-offensive "WOMB BROOM" division:

Nacho: Hide the children, it's 1-seeded Paul "Dirty" Sanchez (below, left) going up against 5-seeded Rod "No Nickname Needed" Smallwood (below, right). Dirty's a top seed for a reason: he's got a wikid 'stache, and its fate is inherently tied to his daughters. It can't be easy to be a teenager, with no chance of your dad shaving before you graduate. As for Rod Smallwood, well, he's a liar. No, not about his name; about the founding fathers. I call bullshit. No founding father wore that ridiculous thing. Dirty wins.

Moustache: Oh, please. Rod Smallwood is your man. Paul Sanchez looks like his beard threw up into something that vaguely resembled a moustache. If I wanted to see half-assed moustaches I'd go to Thousand Oaks and visit my ex.

(Ed Note: Refer to above statement concerning Limpet and Thousand Oaks, but really, she was a huge slut.)

Nacho: Rounding out the division are Lance Kirianoff (below, left) & Tom Kamuda (below, right). This one is really a shame for Tom. Normally, he'd be a solid bet, but this time around the fates led to a Upturny-thing vs. Upturny-thing, and if you'll notice, Lance makes specific mention that his 'stache has learned to turn itself out, like Dirk Diggler in a pickup. Tommy is forced to hold his up with his hands, due to what I can only assume is a lack of wax. Also, Lance doesn't look like he's about to sodomize the next thing that moves in his photo. Lance advances.

Moustache: I'm going to have to agree with you here on this one, Nacho. Kirianoff is a shoo in. Kamuda has to hold his out to show that it's not just part of his beard. Kirianoff doesn't even need wax to get his in a prime shape. Kamuda must have faced some severely sad contenders to get this far.

Nacho: I'm taking 3-seeded Kirianoff to the Final Four. Dirty had a good run, but it's not in the cards.

Moustache: Kirianoff is going to the final four. I've said my peace about the other two.

In the bi-curiously-lingual "EL BIGOTES" division:

Nacho: A GIRL?! Here we've got 1-seeded Mark Fields (below, left) going up against "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey (below, right), who has decidedly less Y-chromosones than the rest of the Sweet Sixteen. I'm taking the Scraps. I don't see what's special about Fields's 'stache; seems to have gotten a higher seed than he deserved, like Wisconsin. Scraps points out that she can put her mustache on babies, which can only turn out well. Dempsey takes it.

Moustache: Scraps has got it. She's got heart, tattoos and boobies.

Nacho: In the Cinderella match-up we've got 7-seeded Chirs Farren (below, left)taking on 14-seed Hal "The Colonel" Gant (below, right). I wanted to give this one to Farren because his mustache reminds me of a branding, but in the end, I had to go with Hal's anti-war message. His misguided superiors tried to restrict his mustache's freedom, so he did the only American thing there was to do: he found a loophole. Bravo, The Colonel, bravo.

Moustache: At this point I don't think it matters which of these two wins because they will lose to scraps in the Elite eight anyway. "Crisco" terrifies me, but Gant looks like he's going to try and sell me something I don't really need. I guess I'd rather be tricked into getting a Flowbee than be scared and I could ensure a superior doo for my next trip to Thousand Oaks.

(Ed Note: Once again, we are not in anyway affiliated with Moustache's hatred of Thousand Oaks, but what kind of a bitch breaks up with you over IM? Seriously, get some class.)

Nacho: While I wanna take The Colonel to the championship, I'm going out on a limb and I'm gonna send Scraps to the Big Game.

Moustache: Scraps is going to the four. No doubt about it.

The "Bad News Bears of Moustache Madness" are the Ticklers

The first match up pits Rene Diamante (below, left) against Don Cooper (below, right). While Coop's 'stache stoutly refuses to obey the laws of gravity, I'm going with Diamante, who may or may not be a time traveler from "Deadwood". You grow up with a girl's name, you learn early that you've gotta be tough and nothing says tough like Rene's 'stache.

This is a hard one to call, but I think I'm going to have to go with Cooper's no bullshit attitude. No stories of glory or family. Just 'stache. And he doesn't give a shit that his camera still shows the date.

In the final contest there's Jim "Bushy" Bees (below, left) and Jeff " The Drifter" Hiers (below, right). Both are men of few words, they let their 'staches do their talking. Considering both started at double-digits seeds, I consider this a toss up. I'm going with The Drifter, because he made me remember how much I enjoyed watching Forrest Gump run cross country.

I could care less about these two guys. these moustaches and pictures suck immensely. Bees is wearing a Santa hat so why not.

Advancing to the Final Four, I'm taking Rene due his 'stache versatility in pirate, swashbuckling, and rum running situations.

I'm only hoping that Don Cooper takes his no bullshit attitude all the way to the top.


March/Kirianoff. Scrappy/Rene.

Ortiz/Kirianoff and Scrappy/Cooper.

Make sure to come back to check out who's going to go all the way on April 2nd.