Mustache Royal Rumble

The Final Four's been set and it looks like 10lb's tea leaves were far more accurate in predicting those mustaches that would excel, correctly choosing 3 of the 4 Finalists. I bow with reverence, humbly. (Honestly, should I even feel bad? I mean the guy's name is 10lb Mustache, it's not like I had much of a chance.)

There is one last round, however, and it's a no-holds-barred Royal Rumble style Death Match.

Catch up on our short predictions for who will pull this thing out, metaphorically speaking, after the jump.

Nacho: I heard a radio commercial for this contest on my way in to work today, and that commercial played sound bites from each of the Finalists. Jimmy Oritz, or Oddjob as we've taken to calling him, said that his mustache was "famous" and that kids and adults wanted to "touch it" but if you look at Jimmy's profile pictures, it becomes painfully obvious that he's a flasher, and is in this thing just to be touched. Jim Brees is an idiot and says his mustache would "look good behind the wheel of a new Chevy Silverado." You know what else would? My sack. I'm just sayin'; anything looks good behind the wheel of a new Chevy Silverado.

Now the tough part: "Scrappy" Maggie Dempsey's makes up half of the Finalists that use their brain and actually have an angle. She points out that, as a woman, if she saw any of the other 'staches she'd "run away from them." I think this is a brilliant move, because it'll force all the ladies out there to question what they find attractive, and it'll make the dudes wonder if they're gay. (You voted for Ortiz because you secretly want him to give you an odd job, didn't you?) Bravo Maggie, you are the CJ Craig of deflecting attention in Mustache Madness. Lastly is Lance Kirianoff, who told us that his mustache "soars out like an eagle. In essence, it's a symbol for the American way." In these troublesome times fraught with peril and legitimate questioning of our nation's leaders, I applaud Lance for concentrating on the positive side of things, for focusing on all that is good in America. I say it's a toss up between Lance and Scraps, with Scraps pulling ahead in the final hours, and Lance, not unlike Bruce Willis, perishing on the asteroid.

10lb Moustache: Wow. I can't believe we made it this far. I'd love to see all of these moustaches perform a true royal rumble along with the ultimate moustache Hulk Hogan, but mostly I'd just like him to body slam that dumbass Jim Brees.

As far as predictions go, I think an underestimation of Lance or Maggie at this point would be a poor move on any serious contender. Brees is right out. I mean look at him. His picture is in black and white! He shouldn't even be this far.

I think your heavy weight contender is Ortiz, mostly because he probably took his laptop to a family picnic this last weekend and forced everyone to vote for him and if they refused he probably chopped off their head with his hat. Maggie, however, is our dark horse and is a force, I think it's safe to say, no one saw coming.