Friday, April 20, 2007

Fine Dining in a Fine City

You can hold your applause you stains upon the nation, Jerk Stupidneck is back and he's brought a new bit with him. I'm going to go ahead and address the issue of all of the "Where were you!? You're the best! My womb has been barren since you left!" questions/comments with the following.


It's none of your god damn business and I'm sick of you hanging out in my bushes trying to catch a glimpse of me working on my world renowned model train environment (it's not a toy train set you simpletons, go back to tend to that goat you married last week in Venezuela).

That having been said, what is your business, is the fine dining offered in this great city of Los Angeles. From sushi to steak, from omlettes to dirty fucking hippy vegetarian bullshit, this city has it all. Today is my first review of one of the most prestigious and exclusive dining establishments that this City of Angels has to offer.

Just try to get a reservation for 7 on any given day... fag

I was introduced to this little hole in the wall by my friend Joey Bats. He said this place had been frequented by the most elite of the elite and most notably, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been known to make an appearance from time to time. Well, needless to say I called my secretary and told her to get me in at this "Dodger Stadium" for lunch.

No go. It seems they were booked solid until Saturday April 14th for dinner at 7:10pm. It was a little early for me, but I figured I'd just have my starbucks and cigarette lunch around 11am and I'd be hungry around the time of my reservation. Then I fired that incompetent Gladys for screwing up my lunch plans. YOU'RE BORING GLADYS AND I NEVER... NAY NO ONE EVER LIKED YOU.

Anyways, when I got there I found a lot of the cast of Limpet there (to my dismay) and I tried not to notice them, but they flagged me down and informed me that the maître d'hôtel had seated me next to them. Whatever, I tried to keep the bile from rising in my throat from the overt stink, but had to run to the bathroom a couple of times.

This brings me to my first point - The "bleacher" (am I spelling that right?) style seating was repugnant at first but I found that I actually enjoyed the arrangement when the dinner theatre (also a pleasant surprise) began. The play was some sort of sports themed drama involving star crossed lovers Jason Schmidt and Jake Peavy, I didn't follow the story completely because I was busy punching the idiot in front of me in the head and trying not to be noticed. What an ass he was.

They had an interesting way of serving appetizers as a Philipino boy came buy with a sack full of "Babied Ruths" and tossed them throughout the restaurant. I was told that these peanut and chocolate based hors d'oeuvres come from peanut bushes which have been "babied" meaning given only the best treatment, nightly bedtime story reads , and daily doses of miracle grow in order to provide a sophisticated palette for the discerning tastebuds. I found them quite delectable and they really complimented the following courses, although I did feel a bit put out when I had to smash a child to the floor in order to grab one of them as they were tossed across rows of bleachers. Personally I consider that a bonus. Great atmosphere at this little place.

The second course was a melted and aged cheddar meant to be spread across fried corn "chips" and accompanied by popped corn. You can see that the mood took us a little and soon we were going quite crazy and dipping the popped corn in the excquisite cheese! I don't expect you to understand it, you're too busy self pleasuring to Oprah's bra buying tips right now.

Finally the main course. Hot "Dogs". Dogs being short for "Doglienas" which is spanish for "La salsiccia più dolce", which, in turn, is italian for "The Sweetest Sausage". Here you can see Mr. Feelings most recently purchased Micronesian bride testing Mr. Feelings' dinner for poison. Despite her pained look, these were actually better than their namesake implies. If I had to give them a proper name in the Old Tongue, it would be "Prodotto del porco che dà vita all'uomo". While more apt, it is a bit of a mouthful, but then I've always been guilty of word smithery.

And the best part of "Prodotto del porco che dà vita all'uomo", was the buffet style garnish bar. This was one of my favorite parts, or it would have been if I didn't have my personal assistant do it for me after running it by my lawyers.

Final verdict? Ambience - 4 stars Service - 3 stars Taste - a full 5 stars.

If you're ever in town and want to hide out in a quaint location while taking in some good food and good theatre, "Dodger Stadium" is the place.

It's great for autograph seekers as well.

Just ask Former President Bill Clinton what he thinks of "Prodotto del porco che dà vita all'uomo"

Kenny Rogers knows when to hold 'em, and by " 'em" I mean the orphan boys he used as seat warmers


Hats Bagelman said...

Stupidneck it's nice to have you back! (To be honest we didn't know you were gone.)

Nacho Friendly said...

I hear Micronesians can do things to one's mind and body that are un-pronounceable, except in Micronesian.