A Desperate Plea to Brian Colangelo.

If you're like me, you only get your news from the print media. I disdain the frivolty with which facts are dealt with in the television, radio, and internet media. The one indulgence I allow myself is the cinema. I take in a talkie every now and then, under one condition: it must be a documentary.

I also enjoy basketball.

You'll understand if it's taken me a few days to comment on a cartoon I found in my local paper the other day. Apparently there's a planet just like Earth out there, and me, ah think there's sumptn fishy goin' on. I don't like it. Not one bit.

But I got a plan...

Lissen up, Brian Colangelo, 'cause this next bit's for you. We got a problem on our hands hurr, and ah think you're the only one who can help. I seen what you done with Phinnix, then Torrani, and I think you know where I'm headed here...

Our toon team is fucked.

Have you heard about this planet, Hoss? They say it's jus' like Earth, but they never mention that, even if it's an icy planet, it's still got 1.5 times the gravity. This is terrible news, Bry. Just terrible. I've seen the end game; I know the score.

I mighta mentioned I go to the documentaries often. Brian, do you fully understand what will happen is if these guys come to our homecourt? They'll make Dwight Howard look like George Zidek. They'll be leaping all over Bugs, Daffy, and Bill Murray.

Help us Brian Colangelo, yer our only hope. (Full disclosure: that's from another documentary.)

I demand Porky run suicides