Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Why I never became a great director

In elementary school I was known as a prodigy. I wrote poems that made teachers cry. I painted portraits that were so life like they won prizes in photography contests. Whatever I touched turned to gold. So when I turned my eye to the motion picture it was not surprising when people compared me to John Ford and Orson Welles.

I was on the fast track to becoming the next Speilberg (sans the daddy issues) when fate intervened.

To read the story of my downfall please follow the jump.

In the Fall of 1999 I enrolled at Chapman University, the 2nd most prestigious film school in Orange California, to gain the education that would cement my carreer in Hollywood. There was only one problem, the school was riddled with North Korean spies.

You see Kim Jong Il is a huge movie buff and he's been known to kidnap budding filmmakers and force them to make films that he himself has written.

I was tipped off right away by a concerned professor that they were interested in my work. After a screening of my student BAFTA award winning film "The Happy Flower Sunshine Jamboree" I started to notice cars parked out in front of my dorm room and the smell of kimchi followed me around everywhere I went. I had been marked.

Now, I'm not against going to North Korea. I hear it's splendid in the Summer. What I do have a problem with is directing another man's script. I am a man of intense vision and when I commit something to film it has to be perfect. So when I found out that Kim Jong Il was interested in my intense directing talent I did the only thing I could think of...give up filmmaking.

Today I live a simple life with many close friends, but there is a hole in my soul. One day I hope to fill it again. Just as soon as that communist bastard dies.


10lb Moustache said...

Hats, when will you realize that just because you're some hot shot film guy doesn't mean you can go around eating other people's corn bread?

Fatty Arbuckle said...

Get a job, ya hippy!