There is no such thing as a stupid question.
That's Mr. Feelings Feelings Law #23. See, every now and again someone out there is grappling with an issue most of us have never thought to ask. Those people turn to Mr. Feelings for help. I've learned to nurture these souls through tough times and help them along the path to wisdom. I say that so you don't get the giggles when you read my next letter.
Dear Mr. Feeling,
Don't laugh, this is serious.
Dear Corn-hole-less in Kentucky,
Ok, we can talk about this like adults. After all, I did say I was ready to talk about anything. And obviously, Corn-hole-less in Kentucky, you really want to have anal relations with your wife but haven't been able to, so... where to start.
I give up. I can't do this. This is just icky. You do know what comes out of butts don't you? Poo-Poo! Hello! It's a butt. You want to put your thingy-majigger in there! Yuck! I mean, she goes to the bathroom with that thing. What kind of sexual deviant are you! Go to church and discuss this with the local pastor. Kentucky, right? There's got to be a good Baptist preacher who can pray this sin out you.
I mean this is just my two cents, so take it or leave it. I don't know... if you still absolutely, positively have to go through with this, well, there's no way I can see your wife consenting, so wait until she's fallen asleep then try not to wake her. Maybe tie her down and tell it's just a dream and be quick. Then never tell anyone. Bury this butt lust deep down in your heart. This is the kind of crap that can keep a man out of the military.
Whatever, it's not my problem.
No more letters about this.