Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What Will Happen to Bruno the Bear?

Rome. Home to the Sistine Chapel, The Vatican, pick pockets and they want one more thing: A bear.

Germany. Host of Octoberfest, wonderfully efficient people, hasn't seen a wild bear in over 170 years and owner of the upper hand. They have the bear so desired by Italy.

Bruno the bear started his long journey from Italy through Austria and on into Germany before being shot down in a Mexican style standoff similar to that at the end of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Bruno went on a crime spree comparable only to Bonnie and Clyde, eating thirty sheep, four rabbits and some poor little girl's guinea pig. Had he no heart?

Follow Bruno's path of destruction, both while alive and posthumously, after the jump.

Bruno the bear lead a simple life. He ate, he slept, he pooped in various places in the alps, but trouble soon came to Bruno when his mother was killed by an Italian with a fancy moustache. Having turned to a life of crime he soon came to the conclusion that he had to run from these moustachioed Italians to stay alive. "We're a-gonna get that a-bear!" one Italian hunter screamed upon realizing that Bruno had pooped in his front yard and lit it on fire.

The next stop on Bruno's list would be the great country of Austria. He had always heard magnificent stories about their countryside, but what Bruno would soon come across would change his life forever. He couldn't find the meat he usually could in the Italian countryside and when coming across a sheep farm his hunger got the better of his judgement. His thirst for domesticated blood would be unleashed.

The bear's trek continued on into Germany a fatal step he would later regret. You see, Germany had not seen a bear in over 170 years in the wild and Bruno now had the taste for sheep's blood. "This is heaven," Bruno thought to himself while heading over the Austria-Germany border. The Germans were there, with open arms, welcoming their refugee friend from the evil Italy, but things didn't stay so optimistic.

There was some violence in the middle of the night. A Bavarian farmer awoke to a horrible sight, "It gutted [the sheep] and then just ate their hearts and livers," for you see, Bruno was blind to all races German and Italian alike and really just wanted revenge on humans. Germany immediately issued a statement that if hunters were to see Bruno they were to shoot him. Then the animal rights groups deemed the government "hysterical" and fought for the bear's right to live, but there was no turning back for the government...Germany never goes back on their word.

But then the unthinkable happened. Bruno just disappeared. It was later revealed that he found a safe house just southeast of Munich to hide out in, but was later kicked out when he ate a little girl's guinea pig. Upon trying to get back to the Austrian border the standoff went down and Bruno went down.

Now the Italian government is trying to claim ownership to Bruno's body despite the terror inflicted upon the German people. Bruno will be put on display in Bavaria as a constant reminder of how most things Italian are just mean, dirty and will probably try and steal whatever they can from you if they get the chance.


Mr. Feelings said...

A perfect summation of EU politics, but don't you fear your position on Italian mustaches is dangerously close to Stuart Holland's opinion stated in The Market Economy : From Micro to

10lb Moustache said...

You are quite astute Mr. Feelings, but my feelings are more summed up by the Post-Keynesian approach to economics.

Hats Bagelman said...

I like Gellato

Fatty Arbuckle said...

I wonder if bear meat is any good? Anyone out there ever had bear?

Nacho Friendly said...

Wow, Bruno's being treated like Ned was in "Unforgiven." I hope an Italian Clint Eastwood comes through town, shoots the mayor and simply explains that he "should've armed himself if he was gonna decorate his [town] with my friend, [a bear]"