Dear Mr. Feelings,
I write to you in dire straights. I have been seeing a man for about 6 years now and everything is great. He takes me out to nice restaurants, always remembers my birthday, and is very giving in bed. There is only one problem: he is married with children.
The only other time I sought advice was from Mo-Town legend and radio personality, Smokey Robinson on a radio show he used to host called "Between the Sheets." Smokey assured me that, "If it is love everything will work out. Love conquers all baby." But it has been 3 years since I received this advice and I feel as if nothing has changed. I am starting to feel used and ashamed. I am so distraught about this that I often cry at work just thinking about him, and as a city bus driver this is a very dangerous prospect for many people.
Mr. Feelings what am I to do? Should I confront my man? I think maybe I should come clean to his wife and children.
Please Help Mr. Feelings,
Me in La Puente
Dear Me in La Puente,
It's time to get serious. You are on your way down a dark, lonely road of despair and spinsterhood (ack!). Ask yourself, how in love with his wife is he? Probably not very much, so you've gotta make his mind up for him. This relationship is an omelet, and it's time to break some eggs.
Tackle this wife issue head on. Fortune favors the bold! Get to know this woman. Follow her for a day. Walk a mile in her shoes. Then murder her in those shoes. Sure, your man will be sad at first, but some of that sweet loving you offer him every night will make him forget all about that fat, dead cow (moo!). Give him a week to grieve, then have the little ones sent off to boarding school (field trip!). He'll be sure to pop the big question then.
The important thing to remember is that you love him and need him more than anything else in the world. He's the sun to your solar system. Let him warm you from your heart all the way down to your genitals.
Let me know how it goes!
Friday, February 16, 2007
Dear Mr. Feelings,