We'll always have Paris

Like most people, I had thought that we destroyed every last communist back in 1989 when Hasslehoff flew over East Germany in his fiery chariot and killed every first born communist male child. Evidently, I was wrong.

Pop culture icon and American treasure, Paris Hilton, was pelted with Cigarettes and Lipstick at a mall appearance in Austria. The alleged demons behind this attack? Dirty Reds.

The only light in all of this is that Paris is picking up where Tiffany left off and enlightening Europe with a tour of shopping malls. It warms my heart to see a down home American girl braving the slings and arrows of Rooskie Devils to bestow the American dream upon those unfortunate souls outside of the US.

I didn't even know Europe had shopping malls... Don't they still use the barter system?