Hats Bagelman will make you president. Part 1

Although I am a convicted felon and don't really care for politics I figure it is my community service requirement civic duty to give advice to all the 2008 Presidential Candidates. Today's subject: Barack Obama.

The Junior Senator from Illinois is charasmatic, bright, and seems like an all around nice guy. There's only one thing that seems to be holding him down, his love of sweet lady nicotine. While this may play well in the red states there's no way your base of Hollywood Liberals will follow you. (In fact Rob Reiner will stab you in the face if he catches you lighting up). So Mr. Obama I'm going to take it upon myself to give you some helpful hints to quit this totally uncool habit.


STEP 1. Quit with a friend: Now quitting smoking is really hard so it really helps to have a quitting buddy to aid you on your road to recovery. So my advice is to get your good friend Oprah to be your quitting buddy. (I know, I know she's a non-smoker so you'll have to get her to start. That's real easy just casually mention how she's putting on some weight then offer her a Marlboro, she'll be smoking in no time). Once you have Oprah quitting with you you'll not only have her support but the scorn of Dr. Phil, and once Dr. Phil is on the case you will be cured.

STEP 2. Learn new skills and behaviors: Part of the reason people smoke is that it gives you something to do during the day. So now that you're quitting you're going to have all this free time with nothing to do. My suggestion: Origami. FACT: All of our greatest presidents were origami masters. It is rumored that on the day Lee surrendered to the Union soldiers Lincoln fashioned an origami swan out of a tattered American flag. So Mr. Obama why not follow our founding fathers and take up the timeless art of folding paper.

STEP 3. Get Medication: There are a lot of patches and gums that claim they can help you quit smoking. It's bullshit. Here's what you should do: Go back to snorting cocaine. Now, I know some people will say that cocaine is a worse drug than tobacco and to tell the truth it is, but don't worry about that now. You have a primary to win and there's nothing that help you gain the support of Hollywood's elite faster than a chic cocaine habbit. Once you have the nomination sewed up simply go to rehab and clear up all your addictions.

If you follow all of these steps the white house is yours. All I ask is that you appoint me Post Master General. I love the Post Office

*Note last photo courtesy of Defamer