It's a sad day when you realize you're old. This weekend I turn twenty-five and while it doesn't feel like I'm staring down the creeping spector of death, there are moments when I'm flabbergasted by today's youth.
Take my formative years, for example. Here I thought I'd had a pretty swell time. Sure there were voice cracks, and disproportioned limbs. There were awkward lies and embarassing incidents. But overall I thought that having a core group of buddies, some folks to hang out with and maybe catch a movie, or discuss the events of the day over a steaming plate of Waffle House, made it pretty worthwhile. We'd talk about college and our plans for the future. We'd concoct ridiculous and elaborate pranks to fill our idle hours. Nowadays, though, things change. Kids aren't as easily entertained. They don't want to flex the creativity muscles we did back in the day. They are much more inclined to just drop to their knees and blow every boy at the bar mitzvah.
"They're making bar mitzvah presents of the act, and performing it at "train parties": boys lined up on one side of the room, girls working their way down the row."
Continue to wonder why we never saw that episode of Saved By The Bell with us, after the jump...
This one time, back in college, I was really really sick--just wicked sick--and so I stayed home from class. In my delirium the tv got turned to Oprah. I have no idea how this happened. Either way, the show was a big expose about rainbow parties. That was probably the first time I said to myself, "Self, did we miss out on some of the finer points of being a teenager?" Naturally I called every girl I ever went to high school with and asked if I'd missed my chance at getting a blowjob from them. To a woman, they all said yes.
Kids today are growing up fast and who are we to judge them? Just because we didn't attend any "train parties", or get lapdances when we were 12 doesn't make us lame. It just means society's definition of "something" is ever-changing:
Nowadays girls don't consider oral sex in the least exotic—nor do they even consider it to be sex. It's just "something to do."
If I have a daughter, she will not come into contact with a Y chromosome before she's twenty-one.