Wednesday, March 21, 2007

America is being kicked square in the nuts

Looking for cutting political diatribes and commentary? Well move it on down the line piss-ant because I ain't your mommy here to help the widdle baby with his itty bitty voting balot. You know what? Just off yourself, I'm already sick of you.

Alright, alright get that .45 out of your mouth dummy. You'll most likely botch it anyways and wind up horribly disfigured stealing money out of my wallet every paycheck. No thanks. Where was I, you got me all off track with your vapid jump to conclusions...

Ah yes! America, nay the WORLD, is full of idiots! How do I know you ask? Well the mighty oracle of YouTube will provide evidence for anyone to see. I'll start at the beginning after the jump.

Admiral Kamimura began the blooper clip phenomenon in 1891 when someone got a picture of him getting a canon ball dropped on his foot during war games

Bloopers. Who doesn't love watching them? My favorite is when the olympic guy got speared with a javelin. Human suffering is funny, lets face it, but the problem is - and I'm placing the blame square on the shoulders of the Japanese - that no longer are bloopers accidental schadenfreude. No, now people are looking for fame by videoing themselves in idiotic situations with the hope of getting a couple laughs from their moron friends.

Why do I blame the Japenese you ask?

They are constantly raising the stupid bar and exporting it to America in an attempt to take us down through psychological warfare (since they are prohibited by law from having any sort of conventional military). Now you're saying "But Stupidneck, what about Johnny Knoxville and Jackass?"

Firstly, shut the hell up, nutsack, grown-ups are talking.

Secondly, it is a well kept secret that Knoxville was trained as a spy in Shibetsu before being shipped in a crate to the US in the mid 1990's to create mayhem by spreading "Blooper Doctrine" through mass media in the states.

Here you can clearly see the Japanese influence on America's idiot children. Their pathetic, impressionable mush brains can't help be adopt the culture pressed upon them. Sure it may look like sped up slow motion moves that couldn't harm anyone except through embarassment, but give these dolts 5 years and they'll be riding dirt bikes into volcanoes to the tune of Rage Against the Machine's "Pocket Full of Shells".

Next item for the jury, S. Sparkenickle and friends in the desert burning the bodies of those they have desecrated. Is that enough? Not for these simpletons.

That's right... put a glass bottle full of gasoline in a fire and see what happens! (If you like shiny boom booms fast forward to about 5 minutes into the video you little mongoloid you!) Darwin never mentioned stupid with his theories on natural selection.

Let's have some fun with trampolines!

High point of the video is that fat ass jumping off a roof and braining himself when he's launched of the trampoline.

What's that? You like fireworks?

So did that guys testes.

But when you're talking about stupid, many people think of one place - The South. I think of everyone but me and The Donald, but the South isn't helping their case by providing video evidence of company sponsored idiocy.

I'm guessing the "Company" is a moonshining bath tub in Uncle Willy's cabin.

But, the retard de la retards, the winner of the who can take the most bricks to the face before the age of 3, goes to Genius McCorky-from-life-goes-on here in this video.

Pretty smart there, chief. Maybe you could play for the Pirates with that swing.

With any luck these cretins should eliminate themselves from the halls of human existance within a few years, but their videos will live on so that I may laugh my worries away.

Just kidding. I don't have any worries because I'm not you.


Nacho Friendly said...

This post really captures the essence of what TIML is all about.

Also, as someone who survived the South, I'll relate this small story: about 7 years ago my dad opened a surgery practice in the western hills of NC. One July 4th he had to pull a T-bone out of a guy's throat. The next year, July 4th, he had to pull a chicken bone from the same guy's throat. Nuff said.

Jerk Stupidneck said...

Look, I'd love to not look down at the south, but ... Alabama... I mean come on!