Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Dear Mr. Feelings...

Time again for Mr. Feelings to dole out some wisdom. Today's letter comes from a reader in Seattle. Come feel with me!

Dear Mr. Feelings

I'm in trouble. My fiance loves cats and I'm afraid to tell her I'm allergic. Fortunately right now she doesn't have any but I know that once we move in together she's going to want to get one. How do I let her down?

Sneezy in Seattle

Real advice for the real world after the jump...

Dear Sneezy,

What do you mean you don't like kitties? They're cute, soft and warm. I don't understand you. You are unreasonable. Did your daddy rape you then blame it on the house cat? You're too far gone for me to help. Obviously crazy. Crazy people never like cats. Crazy and mean.

As far as your "allergies" go, kitten allergies are just a myth perpetuated by grumpies to deprive cat owners the greatest joy in life. To prove this falsehood, I live in a home where cat life outnumbers me 76 to 1. I haven't had so much as a sniffle in over 30 years. Cat urine is a natural antibiotic. Cat fur kills dust mites. Cat feces tastes of butterscotch and cardamom.

I'm shocked. How can you be so cruel? These are kitties we are talking about. Living, breathing, meowing bundles of love. I'm crying as I write this. I wouldn't piss on you if your head was on fire. I hope your fiance dumps you. I also hope you get a kitten shaped tumor in your heart. Maybe then you'll chose your words better.


Stop breathing and die.

Learn to love kittens.

I hate you.

Mr. Feelings


Hats Bagelman said...

Wow. Yeah it's not a wise move to get between Mr. Feelings and his kitties.

Nacho Friendly said...

And lets not forget the dander. The dander is really what makes the kitty. Fuck Sneezy, he was the worst dwarf anyway.

Fatty Arbuckle said...

This is the sweetest story I have ever read. Bravo Mr. Feelings. Bravo!