Friday, March 30, 2007

The Best of Wikipedia

With fifteen of his best sailors stuck in the confines of an Iranian prison cell, one thought crossed Tony Blair's mind. We need a good ol' fashioned soldier of fortune to handle this shit. Which brings us to this week's best of Wikipedia: Soldier of Fortune.

Full frontal knowledge after the jump.

Call them what you will, privateers, mercenaries, heroes, but just remember, the soldier of fortune is the bravest man this nation has to offer outside of the Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard, National Guard, FBI, Secret Service, policemen, firemen, EMT's, public school teachers, lifeguards, sheriffs, and the members of the local neighborhood watch. These men dare to fight wars for something greater than national pride or a sense of duty. They fight for cold hard cash.

A rag tag bunch of misfits, one publication has united these men in their quest for immortality, Soldier of Fortune , the magazine. Because these men are too smart, too strong and too goddamned extreme to take shit from a by the numbers pansy-ass general, they turn to Robert K. Brown, the magazine's creator, for their marching orders. Originally created in the 1970's as a recruitment news letter for the Rhodesian War, Brown's magazine has since flourished into a publishing empire on par with Flynt Enterprises, only with much more hard-core robot-on-soldier pornography. However, since the 80's, Brown has been accused of going soft, the turning point being the mag's merger with rival publication, Combatant of Affluence.

Typical dentist reading

Glamorized by Hollywood, there have been two films with the title Soldier of Fortune. The first stars a mustachioed Clark Gable as Hank, a man hired to rescue a photo journalist held prisoner in communist China. While Hank is at it, he also seduces the journalist's wife. Why? Because he's just that smooth. The other Soldier of Fortune was released in the U.S. under the name Laser Mission and stars Brandon Lee. It involves lasers, a mission of some sort, and lots and lots of ass kicking. Watch it if you dare.

This film won three Genie awards in 1990

Last, but not least, is the TV show, Soldier of Fortune, Inc. It lasted only one season, but is considered by many to be the greatest television show to grace the airwaves, followed closely by Babylon 5. The people who think this are sad, lonely, and read Soldier of Fortune magazine. Pray for them.

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Now the true test to see if Brandon Lee is an enticing to Europeans as Natalie Imbruglia is. The pieces are set. The game is afoot.

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