Thursday, March 8, 2007

Angelina Jolie's Guide to Starting Your Own Orphanage

So, due to the recent press brought on by the new adoption of the always entertaining Jon Voight's daughter Angelina Jolie the Moustache thought he might inform you of the proper way to start your very own orphanage! It appears to be easy, but there are various intricacies involved in slowly build up your stock of children to pimp out to a celebrity public and have them do your bidding at your oversized house. Jolie's got it down to a well-oiled machine and for the first time ever reveals her secrets to the Moustache!

So follow the Moustache past the jump to learn how!


"You can see the defeat in their eyes and, if they look strong and healthy, those are usually the best ones to go for." -Angelina Jolie

Ok, first thing's first. Get yourself a big place to live in. The bigger the better because if you really want to commit to having your own orphanage of underprivileged kids from various third world nations you're gonna need the space. Don't worry, you will always be able to get the kids to clean, eat practically nothing (I recommend gruel or imitation gruel) and you're not going to want to sleep anywhere near their stinky, close-knit, bunk bed quarters.

Next, picking out the children you want. Don't get them all from one specific country. You don't want to blow your wad in one country and realize that the kids you got have the work ethic of a high school drug dealer. You want kids that are dreamy about America, filled with hope of what they can achieve, and then you crush those dreams making them the perfect little slaves you always wanted.

Composure while picking out your child is very important. You don't want to come on too strong, now. Walk casually among them, choose the three strongest looking ones to play with and, this is important, you must pretend like you're actually enjoying playing with these filthy bastards. Let out a laugh, hug them because you're going to have to convince the evil foreign master that you have good intentions. I do not recommend lining them up execution style and simply pointing out the one you want. Also remember that it is rude to check the child's mouth prior to purchasing.

Lastly, when you get back to America remember to talk copious amounts about how bad this child had it. Really play up that he had no mother, no father, and lived in way worse conditions than your tobacco plantation in the south where they'll be able to "play in the fields" and "learn valuable life skills."

One more thing, if it turns out the child has a father that wants him back, just talk shit about him and his home country. You're American, dammit, and you know your new little slave has it way better over here with you than with his biological drug dealing, AIDS infected father.

1 comment:

Fatty Arbuckle said...

Also, orphans ar good for slow-roasting, and you don't even have to take them home.