Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Dear Mr. Feelings...

Today's letter comes from a concerned mother in Rhode Island. Let's feel this mother out.

Dear Mr. Feelings,

I'm the proud mother of a nine-year-old girl. They wait far too long to teach children about sex in elementary school, so I thought I'd get a head start. I fear I may have gone too far however, and now find myself the victim of a protracted witch hunt led by Judge Jude Jeremiah S. Jeremiah Jr. and his dogmatic interpretation of child safety laws. You may have read about it.

He says I can't bone my boyfriend in front of my daughter, even if it is for educational purposes. I say let parents do the parenting. Am I alone on this?
Sincerely,
Sex at Home Mom

Advice after the jump...


Dear Sex at Home Mom,

I hear you. This is exactly the kind of crap I said would happen when Bush was elected. I've been showing my body off to third graders for years. Same as you, it's always educational (wink), but what used to be a harmless bit of show-and-tell is suddenly a criminal act. Just the other day I visited an elementary school in Calimesa where I was scheduled to lecture, but my guest pass was lost, and before the paper work could get cleared up, the local sheriffs department had me in handcuffs like some common pervert. These days even Slim Goodbody would be branded a pedophile.

Children need to know being naked is being natural. We weren't born with clothes. Free your body, the mind will follow. The sex act falls in the same category. Do it where you want, when you want, and in front of whomever you want.

I'm going to break protocol here, and say we should meet up. Us progressive thinkers need to stick together. Also, bring your boyfriend. I'd love to see your teaching methods. Is it cool if I invite some friends? Mind if I videotape it? I'm trying to start my own curriculum. Also, how do you feel about role-playing (for the curriculum) as a Nazi dominatrix? Think about it. You know where to find me.

Sincerely,
Mr. Feelings


2 comments:

Hats Bagelman said...

Actually Slim Goodbody was arrested for pedophilia. Like Joel on the Conan O'Brien show he had an insatiable taste for Asian boys.

Nacho Friendly said...

I never realized how wrong En Vogue had it.