Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Of Squirrels and Psychopaths

Squirrels these days just don't understand their bodies. That's why squirrel teenage pregnancy rates are through the roof. Thank god the progressive minds of Santa Monica are taking it upon themselves to humanely empower the female squirrels of this generation.

Calif. City Tries Squirrel Birth Control

More thoughts on squirrels after the jump...

Now a hot young lady squirrel can be in charge of reproductive rights without being slave to the man. It's time for casual sex in squirrel-ville. But be safe. Squirrel syphilis really is a downer. Just ask Dale. He didn't get it looked at and it slowly poisoned his mind.

Another life wasted to venereal disease.
But not everyone is so hot for the idea of a capped squirrel population. If you've seen Zodiac, then you know serial killers love these cute little rodents. It's part of their pederast mindset. Mr. Feelings knows, he works with one. Well, the man I know hasn't killed anyone yet, but it's only a matter of time.

These guys loved squirrels so much, they killed people.

I can't mention him by name, but the man I work with, let's call him Ricardo, he's a squirrel fanatic. Just seeing those cute little creatures, with their adorable squirrel paws, infantile eyes, and playful disposition floods him with feelings of warmth, nurture and repressed erotic desires that will never be fulfilled. At lunch, he goes to the local squirrel sanctuary and feeds the rehabbing rodents with the nuts he keeps in his pocket. For a year I believed the squirrel sanctuary was real, that is until I found out he was really going to the botanical garden near the office, and the grounds keepers had repeatedly asked him not to return. Mr. Grounds keeper, you just made Ricardo's list.

Another thing about Ricardo, I can see him in the reflection of my computer monitor staring at me. What thoughts are running through his mind, I don't want to know. I do know this. He's really messing with my head. I'm pretty sure he's going to kill me. Probably when it's just me and him in the office. I imagine a hard-boiled cop rendered speechless when he finds my lifeless corpse wrapped in a squirrel hair coat. Let them know who killed me, dear readers. It was Ricardo!


Nacho Friendly said...

[insert squirrel/nut hording joke here]

Jerk Stupidneck said...

I just forwarded this to Ricardo and he said the Mother Squirrel is none too pleased

Fatty Arbuckle said...

I had squirrel moccasins growing up. The softests leather mama could darn.