Dear Pizza Hut,

I am sitting here at my desk at work daydreaming of pizza (as I often do), I started to think of you Pizza Hut, but probably not as you might expect. Pizza Hut, you are the only pizzaria, which employs the use of the little plastic table dealios in your pizza boxes to keep the cheese from getting stuck to the top of the box. You are the only pie joint around that cares so much about the quality of its pizza that you take the extreme precaution against mere chance of cheese grazing the inside of the box. Pizza Hut, if you are so concerned with the quality of your pizza, I ask you this: Why is it that your pizza is so terrible?

I mean your pizza is BAD. I once stopped at one of your countryside huts on a road trip and it cost me three hours of travel time that I had to devote to babysitting the storm in my stomach, you so graciously brewed with your inferior ingredients. I have not looked forward to one of your pizzas since the days of Book It!, and even then it was the prospect of a fieldtrip to one of your red-roofed wonders, where I would be able to enter the kitchen and hand craft my own personal pie which got me so excited.

Pizza Hut, today’s pizza market is volatile with many competitors, and it is hard for me to tell you this, but every single one of those other pizzerias makes a better pie then you do. You are the bottom Pizza Hut, the very bottom. Even deep discount pizza places such as Valentino’s and Little Caesar’s (5 bucks for a large pepperoni? Can you believe it!) out shine your doughy crust and shameful cheese blend.

Stop kidding yourself. Do not waste another penny on a fancy piece of plastic to keep cardboard out of your cheese. That money could be better spent on more of your wacky gimmicks, may I suggest a caramel filled crust, or maybe owl pellets as a featured new topping. Know yourself pizza hut, and spend accordingly.

Your friend,

Fatty Arbuckle