Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Smart Man Says He's God

Where does the universe come from? If you like easy answers, credit God for existence as we know it, but if you're an intellectual like Mr. Feelings, you know to dig deeper. Thankfully the smartest man alive has done just that. Stephen Hawking, that guy in the wheelchair, is prepared to blow your mind with the scientific reason for everything. Here's the headline:

Stephen Hawking Says Universe Created from Nothing

Wait? That's it? There was nothing, then there was something? That sounds suspiciously like a form of creationism, except in place of god, we get Stephen Hawking, genius and literal sex-machine.

Well, I for one embrace Hawkingism. As far as deities go, Hawking is easily among the most kick ass. It's a well known fact that his wheel-chair is equiped with all kinds gadgets and weapons. How else could a man suffering extreme atrophy cause a domestic disturbance. He learned a valuable lesson that day. Never turn the spank-master past 7.

Also, Hawkingism has no sins. It's like Outback Steakhouse... No rules, just right. And unlike those invisible gods, we all know Hawking is real. Your prayers will never go unanswered. Just zip off an email or voice message and wait for Hawking's smooth computer voice to put all worries to rest.

And what does Hawking want in return for eternal enlightenment? Nothing but our gratitude, which we freely give. Gratitude, and of course first crack at our daughters. The man is a FREAK. He spreads his seed like a sunflower, but who am I to judge? He's really smart.

Hawking "inspects" another member of the student body