Monday, March 12, 2007

I Am The Walrus


You see that thing? That's a walrsus's penis. Elaborate, no?

I've got a lot in common with the walrus. Like me, walruses have only three natural enemies: humans, orca, and polar bears. Also, we both make adorable plush toys that can be bought for your children on your way back from that business trip where you brought Misty and Blake something and totally forgot about me. Dad.

Additionally, we both compete for the affection of our womenfolk in much the same manner. According to Wikipedia:

The males show off in the water for the females who view them from pack ice. Males compete with each other aggressively for this display-space; the winners in these fights breed with large numbers of females. Older male walruses frequently bear large scars from these bloody but rarely fatal battles.


Sounds about right. I mean, really it's just exchanging ice floes for beer pong. Don't be fooled though, there are some differences between me and the walrus. These differences can range from our appearance (they're majestic, while I'm mind-bogglingly attractive) to the fact that when we display our genitals, the response ranges from "threat of police action" (me) to "celebratory news item" (walrus). Man, as walrus penises go, that's impressive.

Follow us after the jump for further thoughts on walrus dong.


Sometimes it's hard to discern if someone's talking about a walrus, or me, when they're talking about genitals. According to Wikipedia, "A male walrus's penis is completely internal; however, it has one of the largest bacula (penis bones) of the animal kingdom." That's all well and good, but if he doesn't know how to use it, what good is it?

Offense wins games, defense wins championships.

This weekend, I found myself in fierce game of beirut aka beer pong. Everybody knows the way you win at the game is to toss a ping pong ball into a Solo cup of booze until the other team has no cups. What's equally important is how well you can distract the other team from tossing their ping pong balls into your cup. This is where I come in; I am the Dennis Rodman of Beirut. While I may not be terribly good at tossing balls into recepticles (insert joke here) I am highly-valued when it comes to defense. In short, I have little to no problem exposing my genitals in an attempt to distract the opposing team from making their toss. Oh sure, some may call it crass, but honestly, I don't see why we have to treat it any different than a walrus's. How come when I give the world a glimpse of The Behemoth everyone panics, but when a walrus does it, kids get their picture taken.



Doesn't seem fair to me. And I'm not going to take it lying down any more (...ladies.) I want it known from this day forth that no walrus is safe. I will hunt down any of you spotlight-stealing bastards. We used to be cool, walrus community, but now that I know that society treats me differently than you, your ass is mine. Your uppance hath come.

(Ed.'s note: there is photographic evidence of my defensive strategy out their on the web, but, as I see we've got some visitors to the site from Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates, I'll refrain. Welcome though, and tell your friends!)

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