Monday, March 26, 2007

Are You There God? It's Me, The Internet

Watch out world, there's a new advice slut on the block. No I'm not talking about Sally Jesse Raphaël, I'm talking about What Should I Say. Think of it as the internet with the wisdom of your favorite senile grandparent. I know I might be giving away trade secrets here, but from time to time, even Mr. Feelings turns to this page for advice.

Some pearls of wisdom after the jump.

Got in a bar fight...what should I say to the judge to get out of trouble?

I can hear your collective tongues clucking, but who among you is perfect? Besides, you might benefit from this man's courage to ask. How else would you know the best course of action is to:

Try to shift the blame saying that it was the other guys fault.

Thank you, bubblegirl76. You just saved this man's life.

Got a stinky rasta man in your life?

My new friend's dreds smell like ammonia and pee. He's a good person, fun to hang out with and girls think he's cute - but the smell makes me ill. I'm pretty sure no one else has the guts to break it to him... Or maybe it's just me who is sensitive to it. WSIS?

I know you thought there was no delicate way to address this issue, but you all thought wrong.

Hey , So what sort of products do you use to maintain your hair like that? You know they have an odd smell?

Holly shit, that's tactful. Double or nothing on the next one.

How can I ask my mom to switch to boxers instead of briefs?

Wow, that guy is a pussy. What advice could possibly help him?

I'm going to assume that your mother still buys your clothes. That's fine. The best thing to do is just ask. Just do it and feel embarassed or whatever but then you'll get what you want and you'll be happy you did it.
-Idon Twana Tellya

Can't argue with that. Let's suckle the wisdom teat one more time before calling it a day.

My girlfriend and I recently were in a threesome. How do I tell her that I wished she was not there and it was only me and Billy?
-face the cougar

Billy Dee Williams, what have thou wrought?

You don't say that, under any circumstance. If you cant get it out of your head, and you have the stomach, call Billy and f*ck his brains out. Whether you should break-up with your gf is a different decision. But keep the piehole shut.

Crisis averted.


Fatty Arbuckle said...

What a great tip Feelings. I think I will submit a question right away.

"I recently started writing for a blog, but now think my writing abilities are far superior to that of the other contributors. How can I tell my writing partners I want them to leave the blog to me alone?"

Mr. Feelings said...

Fatty, you give our contributors psychic ouchies. Also, I fear you are correct. We are an illiterate bunch.

Jerk Stupidneck said...

Well if fatty is a better blogger, he isn't showing it as much as Mr. Feelings.

I have a feeling this blog will be called the Incredible Mr Feelings soon!

Frankly, I can't wait

Hats Bagelman said...

wait we're still posting on this thing?

Nacho Friendly said...

who amongst us will be the first to reuse the coveted Threesome With Billy tag? Odds, are me, if Donovan and Noah repeat.